Well I woke up to my monthly gift today--only to me it's a burden not a gift. I don't know why it still hurts so bad, we know that we can't conceive naturally. Maybe it's because it's a monthly reminder of that fact. My periods have always been hard for me to handle anyways, I have excruciating cramps and back aches, nausea, and mood swings bad enough to give someone whiplash (usually it's the crying for no apparent reason.....usually I'm not even quite sure why I'm sobbing uncontrollably.) But on top of all this pain and sobbing, I have to deal with the emotions I have about our infertility, treatments, etc which are inescapable for about 6 days. Last month I had a little breakdown and stayed in bed crying all day reading quotes about infertility.
I don't think my husband is completely sure how to handle all this sometimes, but he's gotten a lot better about understanding me and comforting me than he was when this journey first began. He's the typical guy that has the thinking that if you don't talk about it then it will go away. But it won't, and he's realized that and has gotten so much better about comforting me. When we first started all of this, I didn't understand how on earth he didn't seem to be heartbroken. Like I'm sure many wives have done, I started to question if in-fact he truly wanted kids the way I do. I felt like I was going through it alone emotionally because I would bring it up and he would try to escape the conversation. It was about a year ago when I finally realized that he did care as much as me and was hurting like me, he just keeps it bottled up being the private sort of man he is. It changed a lot for me to finally for once have him talk about it with watery eyes and know I wasn't going through this alone. I think men in general just have such a different way of showing their emotions. Maybe my husband finds some comfort in trying not to think or talk about it--it makes sense to push away those things that bring you pain. Trying to ignore it never worked for me though, I am comforted by words & my husband's touch, and knowing that I'm not alone. I think it's important to know how you find comfort, and how your partner finds comfort as well so that you can support and comfort each other the best you can. For anybody else that takes some comfort in words-- I've found some quotes that spoke to me (Thank you Pinterest). I hope that they will also bring you some amount of comfort as well.
And a few funny ones because we all have those pregnant people we just can't stand some days...
Wishing everyone the best Saturday you could have!
This is the song I tried to put up in my last post which apparently didn't work. This is such a beautiful song, and I cry every single time I hear it. I see so many people that are given the gift of a precious child that arguably don't deserve the privilege--they see it as a burden, not a miracle. Why not me? I had a friend ask me once (with only the best intentions) If I couldn't get pregnant, would I be willing to let someone else carry my baby. This was before we knew my husband was azoospermic. It's a fair question, but for some reason I found it very offensive. If I can't do it--if I'm going to miss out on the gift of carrying my child and experiencing all that anyways I would probably just adopt, quite honestly. Of course I want children of my own flesh and blood, and my husband's, but I'm not sure I could bear the sight and thought of someone else carrying my child. Selfish and stupid? Maybe, but that's how I feel. I want to bring my own dream to life.....I want to feel my child move inside me. I want to experience the one thing unique to being a woman--morning sickness, swollen ankles & all!
