Not a bunch to write now, just thought I'd check in and let everyone know how things are going.
I have my first appointment next week. I am actually feeling great other than being exhausted. I don't necessarily feel tired, but it's all I can do to pick up my feet and walk. I've been indulging myself in naps just about every day on my days off. I have been eating every meal like it's my last meal-- I am just hungry 24/7 but am pleased to see that I haven't gained any weight yet from all my eating. I haven't had any more cramps, no spotting, and my HCG is well within range. By the end of this 5th week our baby will already have a heart beat and I cannot wait to hear that beautiful sound on ultrasound! I have already been thinking about delivery and how I want things done after the baby is born. We know that both my husband and I agree that it should be just him in the delivery room with me (besides the Nurses and Doctor of course). I am sure we will have family coming into town to visit and I am pretty certain that after the baby is born I am going to ask that we not have any visitors for at least an hour after birth to give us time alone with our little miracle before everyone charges in wanting to see the baby-- yes, I'm going to be very, very stingy! My husband has been wonderful. My family is excited.
I thank God every night for this little blessing growing inside me, and I pray that he will carry us both through a healthy pregnancy and delivery. Please keep us in your prayers as I continue to pray for a miracle for all of you!
4 more days until test day. I am very emotional today and my boobs are a bit tender, I anticipate AF coming on Wednesday rather than the BFP I was hoping for. I am getting more bloated by the day, and more anxious and depressed by the day too.
As I have for the last 24 days, and many days before, I prayed and cried in the shower this morning begging God for a miracle. I was raised in church and am a Christian but throughout the course of ttc-- especially the further along we get-- I find myself doubting and hurting, wondering why God has allowed me to go through this pain for this long without stepping in and giving me a miracle. We have gotten ourselves into debt with all the labs, tests, etc, not to mention the emotional and physical toll it has taken on me especially. I usually like to think that most everything happens for a reason, however I don't believe that there is a reason for this struggle. There is nothing in my future that I want to do so badly I would ever look back and wish I hadn't had children so I could do it, there is nobody that I would ever want to have a place in my life if they couldn't love a child of mine. Infertility has lead me to question so many things along the way.... my job, my marriage, even the purpose of my life if not to be a mother. If everything happens for a reason then why are these druggies and child abusers given the gift of bearing children? I just can't believe that there is a reason that they are more deserving than I, or that there is a reason that God would put any child in that environment. I realize that as a Christian I shouldn't question God, I should have faith in his plans for my future but this is just something I don't think I'll ever be willing to let go of. I feel that I was "meant" to be a mommy, as much as I was "meant" to have some sort of healing/caring profession when I grew up beyond just mending a bird's broken wings, splinting a rabbit's broken leg, or playing Nurse to my dolls. I am MEANT for this.
My heart aches at the thought that I may not get the result I've been praying for come Wednesday. The thought of another negative test makes every cell in my body hurt just as much as my heart hurts.
As you can tell I am not very positive today. This 2ww has taken a toll on me and made me question everything I think and feel.
I have 8 days down as of today, 6 more to test day. I'm starting to get a little discouraged since my only "cramps" this morning has been gas pain. My boobs aren't unusually tender, I don't feel particularly emotional (other than being a nervous nellie waiting this crappy 2ww), I don't feel like I have any cravings--just hungry in general but I'm starting to attribute that to stress due to the lack of the above symptoms. I am still hoping and praying for that BFP on Wednesday but I'm not expecting it as of the moment. The only thing that remains this morning is the tenderness in my lower abdomen. I've had no spotting, no nausea, and no headache since Tuesday. I've prayed multiple times each day, especially in the shower (where I do all my praying/crying/singing/cursing), I've begged God to give me this gift and a chance to be a wonderful mother to a child I would place above all else. I've sung just in case there happens to be an embryo in there, I've cradled my would-be stomach as if I were pregnant and promised to protect and love this child if God would so bless us.
I saw on TV last night that First Response has a test that can predict 6 days before a missed period so I have been very tempted to make a trip to the store, but despite knowing that further from a missed period the test is taken, the more dramatically the incidence of false negatives, I know myself and the second I saw that negative I would only stress myself out.
I am scared not only of not getting the thing that my heart aches for most, but also of falling back into that pit of depression that would accompany a negative test. I have felt such hope in the last couple of months that the things that normally really upset me--pregnant women, the diaper isle, baby shower invitations, etc-- haven't shaken me as much. I'm so afraid of that sadness that you can't escape, and that feeling that you're 1 or 2 BFN's away from being locked in a mental institution for going crazy on the next poor soul that hands you a baby shower invitation.
I'm 5 days pIUI today and goodness it has been a long 5 days. To think I still have over a week left to find out is driving me insane. I've been trying not to turn any little thing into being suspicious of pregnancy symptoms but it's hard even though I know that my egg wouldn't even be implanted yet if I was pregnant. After 2 days pIUI all of my cramping was gone. I know given the circumstances it's a long shot but to think of going through all this time after time is depressing. It does feel good however, to have a glimmer of hope for the first time in years. As always, I just keep hoping for a miracle.
Yes, I know, I said yesterday that I probably wouldn't blog today but I just cant stand it. The thought of doing nothing at home all day is already making me crazy so I figured blogging would help eat up at least a little time, so here I am. Turns out my plan to "relax and stay positive" is easier said than done.
After I got my positive ov test result at 3am yesterday morning I let my husband know so he could call-in. I attempted to go back to sleep but realized around 5:30-5:45 that falling back to sleep wasn't going to happen so I decided to get up. I was so excited! I wrote my post and drank my cup of coffee and waited for my husband to wake up. He woke about 7:45 and got in the shower. After he got out, I got in and he wanted to plan on leaving as soon as we got out so that he could stop by the barber on the way while we waited for the clinic to return the message I left. Come 9:00 we still hadn't heard from the clinic so I called again while my husband was in the barber shop to report my test and schedule our appointment as I had been directed to do. Somewhere along the way in the last two appointments we both apparently misunderstood the timing of IUI. When I called and the clerk said "great we will see you tomorrow, what time would work for you?" I was a little irritated as it was already hard for my husband to call off. After talking to the nurse, she said although it isn't the most ideal timing, they would still be happy to do the IUI the same day, so we made the trip.
I had my ultrasound and was excited to hear that my endometrium lining was 16mm, and the nurse said they want at least 6mm, so I was golden in that department. I was even more excited to see how many follicles I had.....then she told me I had 2 on my left and none on the right--disappointing news because I'm certain it felt like I had about 20 in there! I got dressed and we left to get coffee while we waited the 45 minutes for them to wash the sperm. Let me just say I didn't expect for the procedure to be that uncomfortable... I am still cramping today. It was a very odd feeling. It's not as bad as my period by any means but I wasn't expecting to feel anything since I had made it through my HSG like a champ way back when we first started ttc (I had been told by my Gyn that the test was pretty uncomfortable for most women.)When it was over and the nurse said I could get dressed I almost said "wait aren't I supposed to stand on my head or do something ridiculous like that for 30 minutes?" but she said since the sperm are past the cervix they won't leak back through so I have no activity restrictions other than avoiding hot baths, etc. We headed back home and got back late last night. Today I am cramping a little and I'm not sure if it's still from the IUI or if I'm ovulating now--I'm hoping I'm ovulating.
Now here I sit, trying not to stress and obsess about it. I can't help it though. Every hour counts in the life of a sperm and follicle since there is such a short window for conception. With the odds already not in our favor due to only having 2 follicles and my husband's lowered sperm count I am a nervous nellie today. I said several prayers during the trip yesterday, and even though the odds are against us with our timing not being ideal and all the other factors, I am praying for a miracle. I will test on the 24th and will be sitting around until then waiting & hoping for 2 pink lines. This will be the longest 2 weeks of my life thus far, I am sure of it.
