It is a rare occasion that my cycle is not 28 days exactly but this time I have started a day early. My cramps are in full force, but my emotions pretty stable for once (I'm just so excited to start our first IUI nothing can bring me down right now.)
I called the clinic yesterday and picked up my Clomid this morning. With our biggest bills going out this week things are starting to look a bit tight in our account but I am keeping my head up and hoping we can squeak by until next pay day. I am anticipating a couple of our next bills to be a bit late --which is hard for me because I'm sort of OCD about our credit and I hate owing money period. At this point if it means having our baby in our arms sooner than later I will deal with the bills after our procedure. Right now I am conserving every single penny I can...
We've finally managed to get enough money scrounged up for our procedure--assuming something doesn't happen leaving us short money prior to next pay day! Fingers are crossed we will be able to do our first IUI in April (and hopefully meanwhile scrounge up the money to do it again in May if it's unsuccessful.)
I'll be calling our clinic tomorrow (the day before I'm due to start my period again) to report a negative pregnancy test. They should then call in my prescription for Clomid which I will be taking days 5-9, then test starting day 12 of my cycle for ovulation. Once we have a positive test we will have a 24 hour window to make the trip and get the procedure done. Not only for the sake of getting pregnant but for the sake of our jobs as well, I am religiously praying that this doesn't take many IUI's. Neither my husband or I are the type to call-in "sick" even if we really do feel a little poopy. My boss however already sort-of knows what is going on and as I said previously, I have awesome coworkers who have agreed to help me by covering my shifts if needed. My husband on the other hand may have a more difficult time taking off work. He does not get "sick time" per se, like I do. He has an allotted amount of paid time off each year which includes any call-ins. With our appointments he has already taken quite a few days off this year, so hopefully we will get lucky for once and have success with one of the first few IUI's. So here's to having our fingers crossed! I will keep you updated as we go!
I have a friend that is, well, obsessed with the TV show "16 and Pregnant." She is always talking about these teenage couples and all the drama and how she saw on the front page cover of the magazines that so-and-so from the show is pregnant again. Maybe it's my infertile bitchy subconscious but I think these shows are ridiculous! As if America doesn't already have a big enough problem with teen pregnancy, lets glamorize the issue! How about "18 and graduated?" Sounds like a better topic to me than a bunch of immature party kids that get knocked up in high school. I'm not saying that some teen parents aren't capable of being good parents and maturing when they are expecting but it's not exactly the norm. What the hell is wrong with our social media for glorifying teen pregnancy? Show these kids a video of a woman giving birth and screaming her head off.... babies are not an accessory, they are a responsibility. They are not a puppy!
While I'm on the subject of TV shows, why is there no "reality" show about infertility? There's shows about people with 19 kids and even shows about 80 yr old women in other countries mysteriously getting pregnant, so why not a show about infertility?
Why is everyone so silent about the issue? It's okay for people to talk about horror movies involving torture or how cool it is to finally be of age to get into a strip club or even how what's-her-name had an abortion for the 5th time, but nobody dares bring up the aspects of infertility in public. If you want to get some nasty looks just talk about IVF, those horrid transvaginal ultrasounds, or even utter the word "infertility" in more than a whisper. It's estimated that 1 out of every 6 couples suffer from infertility. Why act like it doesn't exist?
Does anyone know of any good movies about infertility? I have seen a couple but most of them almost make a mockery out of the issue and it irritates me. One that I did watch recently and thought was a cute movie was "The Odd Life of Timothy Green." There was also one I had watched a couple of years ago called "Facing The Giants" that I liked a lot. If you haven't already watched them, check them out, and leave any suggestions in comments below. I wish you all a wonderful Saturday!
We've all had those moments where you think you are finally finding some emotional stability in your infertility journey--After so many stupid and hurtful comments, so many friends getting pregnant right and left and so many days where you just feel like you are alone in your emotions you start to get somewhat numb to certain things. (Or I've found that I have anyways, I certainly cannot speak for everyone.) We've probably all cried walking past the diaper isle or burst into tears the first second you're alone when a good friend announces her pregnancy. I feel that after so much emotion taking you by surprise so many times you find your own way of coping with it--either avoiding the diaper isle and finding an excuse for your absence at your friend's baby shower (which I have never done for the record), or just learning to expect to cry and deal with it when it happens. I have opted for a happy medium of the two. I'm a pretty emotional person anyway so expecting myself not to have breakdowns just isn't realistic for me.
I've had those days at work when I look at the precious babies going home to such messed up family lives and my eyes fill with tears that I can't fight back. I always hope that when this happens I am lucky enough to be alone in a corner of the nursery where nobody can see. If I'm not though, I promptly ask the nurse next to me to watch the baby and excuse myself for a trip to the break room to "get some Benadryl for my allergies."-- I'm sure the nurses I work with know exactly what is going on but are kind enough to not make me feel like an idiot.I work with such amazing ladies and I've been lucky enough to find support in them throughout the journey. I know that they are rooting for us and after every appointment are anxious to hear what we found out. To my surprise even those who haven't went through infertility themselves seem to understand my pain and disappointment pretty well--better than most of my friends that aren't in the healthcare field.-- Anyways, I've come up with a way of anticipating and dealing with this situation at work. What I didn't expect was to look at a baby going home to amazing parents (so in love with their new baby and ready to give her the world) and have my eyes well up with tears.....in the room....in front of the parents. How the hell do I get myself out of this one?
I realized I was crying because I was imagining how it would feel to get that chance. I remembered the look on the dad's face at delivery when he saw his daughter for the first time, and the mom's face in holding her baby for the first time--it all hit me, just like a train. When will it be my turn? What an amazing and emotional journey to share as a couple.... And how happy I was to know that that angel baby was going home with such great parents! I guess you could call it jealousy, but not in the mean I-hate-you-for-getting-what-I've-wanted sort of way, but in the way that my heart yearns so bad for that feeling that they are feeling in these moments right now. It's days like that that I LOVE my job. Yes, even though it makes me look like an idiot for having "happy tears" that catch me off guard, and even though sometimes it feels like I'm throwing myself to the wolves in an emotional sort of way. It's a bit of a love-hate relationship I suppose. I love what I do, but hate what it does to me emotionally sometimes in my infertility journey.
Sorry for the absence lately, it's been a hectic and emotional last couple of months, but here I am again! After my last post from my January appointment with the RE the plan was to try for invitro. After a week of making calls to figure out if we could afford to finance even just one cycle of IVF we came to the realization that it is just not a possibility at this time for us. It was such a hard thing to admit to, because how can I say that I can't afford to have our own baby? Being realistic though, we just can't. Our medical bills just keep piling up for every damn lab we have drawn and every appointment we have and to spend up to $20,000 for IFV when there is no guarantee of it resulting in a pregnancy is just too much at this point.
It couldn't have been any more perfect timing that the RE called us the very next morning to tell us that after his analysis the movement was above average and he felt we could try doing a few IUI's first. So, that's where we are now--saving up for our first IUI. We are hoping to be able to have the money saved up to do our first one by April. I will be back on Clomid, so I am a bit nervous about that after the pain I had from the big cyst it caused last time but I am willing to do anything to increase our chances, even if just by a tiny amount.
We would appreciate thoughts and prayers as we try to save up for the IUI's and go through these cycles. We were told that IUI only has about a 10% chance resulting in pregnancy so it is a bit disheartening to save up hundreds of dollars for only a 10% chance of getting pregnant. On top of the money, it's stressful because they gave us 10 thousand papers with all these instructions and when to call and when to do this and that and I am so overwhelmed!
I have always been taught that nothing worth having comes easy so here's our start down a confusing and emotional path!
We had our appointment a couple of days ago, sorry to keep you waiting but I've been trying to get our house cleaned up for family coming into town. Anyhow, we really liked the Dr. we saw, as well as all his staff. It was such a different experience from any of the other referrals and appointments we had had--it was very productive. Not only did we get our consult and run through our history, the Dr. had labs done on my husband as well as another SA, and he scheduled an appointment for us with a different urologist who he works frequently with that deals primarily with male fertility issues. He did an ultrasound on me and also ordered a whole set of labs to be drawn cycle day 2-3. It was sort of an emotional appointment for me because the reality of our options sank in and I'm PMSing to make matters worse. But...we got some wonderful news--my husband's SA that was done this time showed sperm! The Dr. said it was still not considered "normal", and would be able to tell us better after the analysis finished but he walked to the lab himself and they said they did see approx 1-1.5 million sperm in the sample. That is a huge difference from ZERO, it also means my husband probably won't be needing any surgery!!! However he did say that we would still not be candidates for IUI and that at this point IVF is our only option. I cried as the reality of that sank in because of course I want to jump at it with no question about it but the fact is that we are looking at potentially a $20,000 (depending on meds and other factors) procedure that may or may not end up in me being pregnant. The sweet nurse handed me a brochure for a company that does financing specifically for infertility procedures. At least it's an option to look into. This being said I'm going to get on my soap box for a minute....
Did you know that some states have health insurance (private or employer provided) that cover infertility costs, IVF included? Our state unfortunately is not one of them. Currently in our state, the state-funded or "welfare" insurance pays for over 75% of the pregnant population. This includes prenatal visits, birth costs, any and all pregnancy related trips to the hospital in between, and if they choose-- abortion. Can I just say that I think it is BULLSHIT that my tax money can help fund someone's abortion or pay for someone to have their 15th kid that they don't have custody of anyways but yet I get no help to have the baby I would give anything to have? Isn't this all backwards?
I've been looking online the last couple of days for programs or grants that help pay for the costs of IVF. They are few and far between from what I can find. I know that I could never, ever put a price on having a baby of our own, but it's a lot to take in and how are we going to come up with that money in a few months? It has to be paid in full before the procedure. We have decided to start down the path of all the necessary labs and requirements to prepare for IVF and I am just praying that we figure out the financial part of it. From here, my husband visits the urologist in a few weeks and then from there it's my understanding that we schedule an appointment with this RE Doctor again. I cannot contain my excitement to know that we are at least finally getting somewhere and I just hope that within the next few months we will be able to do our IVF. I dreamt the last two nights of being pregnant and seeing our baby for the first time. In my dream she had my husband's eyes and nose and she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I know without a doubt I want this more than anything else in this world. Please friends, pray that the rest of this journey goes well for us and that we will find a way to deal with the financial side of the path we have chosen to take. I am praying that this will be the best year of our lives and that by the end of this year we will get to hold our little miracle in our arms and kiss his or her head for the first time.
Occasionally I have these days where I just think we should put this all behind us and just adopt. I could stop stressing about how we would ever be able to afford to pursue IVF, we could stop racking up our debt in Dr's appointments, fertility meds and test after test. We could give some beautiful baby a loving home and maybe this emptiness would go away. I'd have a son or daughter to teach new things and love.
Then I realize I'm not sure that it would make the emptiness totally go away. I don't think the desire to see our own flesh and blood would ever completely leave my heart and mind. I would love them just the same but I'm not sure I could let go of missing all the experiences of being pregnant and getting to say he or she has my husband's eyes, or my lips. I see my friends kids and it is so neat to see how much they look like one parent or the other, or a complete mixture of both. I can't help but wonder how adorable our babies would be.
Maybe one day I'll know when it's the right time to let go and accept what is, but for now I'm not sure I'm ready. I just hope and pray every day for a miracle.
Throughout our TTC journey I've always said there's at least one question I'll ask God one day: Why us when there are so many innocent beautiful babies out there that go to unloving homes where they weren't wanted in the first place. I truly believe babies are miracles so why do these crackheads get to have babies and I don't? It's always so refreshing to see happy families that are overjoyed about their new little miracle and
know they are going to a loving home, however around here it seems that
is actually kind-of the minority. There's a lot of drugs in our town and
our teen pregnancy rate sadly probably makes up 80% of our pregnant
population.
It's been a rough couple of days at work. We've had our own little baby boom lately and only 3 families are really normal, loving couples who are prepared and excited about their baby--the rest are a little "off" to put it nicely. One baby has only spent 2 1/2 hours since birth (2 days ago) in the mom's room, the rest of the 48 hours have been spent in the nursery because she is too busy on the phone fighting with her baby daddy and taking advantage of the pain meds to spend time with her new baby. In a delivery yesterday for one of our teen mom's, the baby daddy finally struts in right at time to push filling the whole labor room with enough weed smell to get high just from being around him. Later a coworker found the baby left in the crib alone in the room while the teen mom and dad went outside to smoke. A 14 year old pregnant and alone who won't say who the father is but later asks staff to make sure her father and brother don't get anywhere near her--makes you wonder if the pregnancy wasn't a result of some abuse by a family member. Another delivered her 6th baby yet she doesn't have custody of any of the other 5. It scares me to look at these precious babies and question their futures. It's so backwards and unfair that they get this privilege that they view as a burden and I am racking my debt up month by month to try to get what any other idiot gets to have!
As promised yesterday, here is a list of the songs I have on my play list that are guaranteed to make me cry.....sometimes you just have to let the tears fall to feel better. Please post your songs under comments, I'd love to download some more. Seems that there are very few songs (like 3-4) actually written referring to infertility but the other songs are about some form of grieving. Here it is:
1."Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks- As I said in my post yesterday, this song hits the nail right on the head for me about those certain people who never have anything nice to say even though they know it's a sensitive issue.
2. "I Would Die for That" by Kellie Coffey- This song is a sure-fire way to make me cry, every time, even though I've heard it 7048237639704098047198752987 times. This is a must have on any infertile's play list. Even if you aren't infertile and are for some odd reason looking at my blog, listen to this song, it will give you a little more insight on what the hell we go through.
3. "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble- the part where it says "I might have to wait, I'll never give up, I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck, wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life...."
4. "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton- this is more about how I feel about my husband and my someday-child. My husband has been a God send through all of this, he is so selfless and willing to do anything to get this child, and his support --even just holding me without words while I cry on his lap on my bad days.
5. "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks- A bit of a weird song in some ways but there is a part in the song that speaks directly about infertility and how it feels like it should be the one thing a woman can do.
6. "Come Tomorrow" by Juliet Lloyd- Just listen to it....
7. "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans- the first part about just managing to get up and get dressed and how you get a little bit better about putting on your "I'm ok" face each day.
8. "The Climb" by Miley Cirus- obviously about a struggle to attain a dream.
9. "Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)" by Gary Allan- a reminder that the pain has to end at some point.....right?....please?
10. "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns- I've always liked this group, their voices are calming to me. It's a beautiful song about a struggle and not understanding why you feel that God is letting you go through this alone but trusting that he has a plan.
11. "Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns- Just because sometimes I feel so damn forgotten and alone.
12. "Stand" by Rascal Flatts- about finding your strength in tough times.
** On a side note: Does anyone know how to center the blog title? I must have a little OCD in me because I can't stand it anymore, it is driving me crazy! Help would be appreciated, thanks!
Well I woke up to my monthly gift today--only to me it's a burden not a gift. I don't know why it still hurts so bad, we know that we can't conceive naturally. Maybe it's because it's a monthly reminder of that fact. My periods have always been hard for me to handle anyways, I have excruciating cramps and back aches, nausea, and mood swings bad enough to give someone whiplash (usually it's the crying for no apparent reason.....usually I'm not even quite sure why I'm sobbing uncontrollably.) But on top of all this pain and sobbing, I have to deal with the emotions I have about our infertility, treatments, etc which are inescapable for about 6 days. Last month I had a little breakdown and stayed in bed crying all day reading quotes about infertility.
I don't think my husband is completely sure how to handle all this sometimes, but he's gotten a lot better about understanding me and comforting me than he was when this journey first began. He's the typical guy that has the thinking that if you don't talk about it then it will go away. But it won't, and he's realized that and has gotten so much better about comforting me. When we first started all of this, I didn't understand how on earth he didn't seem to be heartbroken. Like I'm sure many wives have done, I started to question if in-fact he truly wanted kids the way I do. I felt like I was going through it alone emotionally because I would bring it up and he would try to escape the conversation. It was about a year ago when I finally realized that he did care as much as me and was hurting like me, he just keeps it bottled up being the private sort of man he is. It changed a lot for me to finally for once have him talk about it with watery eyes and know I wasn't going through this alone. I think men in general just have such a different way of showing their emotions. Maybe my husband finds some comfort in trying not to think or talk about it--it makes sense to push away those things that bring you pain. Trying to ignore it never worked for me though, I am comforted by words & my husband's touch, and knowing that I'm not alone. I think it's important to know how you find comfort, and how your partner finds comfort as well so that you can support and comfort each other the best you can. For anybody else that takes some comfort in words-- I've found some quotes that spoke to me (Thank you Pinterest). I hope that they will also bring you some amount of comfort as well.
And a few funny ones because we all have those pregnant people we just can't stand some days...
Wishing everyone the best Saturday you could have!
