Monday, December 31, 2012

A bit about myself and our history

Let me just start by saying I am new to this blogging thing, but I figured a blog would be more suitable than a journal-- as both myself and others could benefit from the comfort of knowing someone else out there has been down the same road.

I guess an introduction and short history are in order, so here it goes....

I am nurse in Labor and Delivery/Nursery. I have been a nurse for a few years now. Very happily married to a great man who also has a good career. We own a big beautiful house and a couple of dogs. We make a good living for ourselves, but have nobody to share all of our love with (besides each other and the dogs.) We talked about having kids since before we married, but never thought that it would take so much time, money, effort and such an emotional and physical toll for us to make our family a reality.

We started trying to get pregnant 2 1/2 years ago and assumed we would have a little bundle of joy in 9 months....definitely didn't figure I'd be sitting here writing an infertility blog today. After about 6 months of trying, I knew we had a problem but I figured we would just keep trying. A year passed without success and we both decided to look into getting seen. Endometriosis runs in my family on both sides so I knew it was me. I set up an appointment with my OB/GYN who I'd been seeing for years for my annual visits. The Dr and I had previously discussed the likelihood of me also having endometriosis based on my symptoms, but it is not diagnosable without surgery. I decided not to take that route right away, so we started with the ovulation tests and basal temperatures. The tests showed I was ovulating regularly every month, so the Dr. started me on Clomid. I did 3 months of the high dose with no success, and went back. I decided to do one more 3-month cycle of the Clomid but ended up with a very large painful cyst on my 1st month of my second round so the Dr. promptly took me off the Clomid after it was determined that it was a complex type cyst. The Dr. referred us to an infertility Dr in another city for a consult. At our appointment they gathered a history on both of us and did a semen analysis on my husband. It came as a complete shock to us when my husband finally got a call from the Dr. stating he was azoospermic--meaning he has NO sperm, no meaning none whatsoever. What was even more devastating was realizing that this wasn't going to be an easy fix. Labs were drawn for hormone levels showing that all of his hormone levels were within normal range. The Dr. said it could be some sort of blockage preventing sperm from entering his semen. My husband was then referred to a urologist in yet another city. We waited over a month for an appointment with the urologist, only to have him tell us that there was nothing he could do for us. So, we are now taking things into our own hands. We found a fertility clinic in another city (again) which deals with both male and female infertility and will have our appointment with this new Dr. the end of January. We are so hopeful that we will get some sort of answer or option at this new Dr's. Being a nurse, I have been doing research on azoospermia since my husband was diagnosed. I have basically found that since it is not a hormone imbalance or lack thereof causing this we probably have 2 options left: surgery (to look for an obstruction) or sperm aspiration. Sperm aspiration however would mean that our options for conceiving are then limited to being done in the Dr's office via intauterine insemination or as a last resort invitro. 

This has been an emotional roller coaster as well. It seems as though all our friends and family members are getting pregnant.... some who I swear just love to rub it in my face. My job as a nurse in labor and delivery/nursery is also difficult because I see so many people who take it all for granted, yet its the only thing I hope and pray for but can't have. There are days where I can't seem to drag myself out of bed because the depression consumes me and I can't stand the sight of one more glowing pregnant woman. My friends don't understand because none of them have ever had difficulty getting pregnant. Even though my husband is wonderful and supportive, he tends to keep his emotions bottled up in an effort to be strong for me not realizing that it doesn't really help. I just feel so completely alone and hopeless somedays. This is my attempt at reaching out to help someone in a similar place, while also hoping that I will be comforted by others on a similar path. This is my story, and my life as an infertile L&D nurse. I will sign off today by posting this song--the words couldn't hit any closer to home.... (hope it posts right)