Thursday, March 28, 2013

CD 1

It is a rare occasion that my cycle is not 28 days exactly but this time I have started a day early. My cramps are in full force, but my emotions pretty stable for once (I'm just so excited to start our first IUI nothing can bring me down right now.) 
I called the clinic yesterday and picked up my Clomid this morning. With our biggest bills going out this week things are starting to look a bit tight in our account but I am keeping my head up and hoping we can squeak by until next pay day. I am anticipating a couple of our next bills to be a bit late --which is hard for me because I'm sort of OCD about our credit and I hate owing money period. At this point if it means having our baby in our arms sooner than later I will deal with the bills after our procedure. Right now I am conserving every single penny I can...

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Fingers Crossed for April!

We've finally managed to get enough money scrounged up for our procedure--assuming something doesn't happen leaving us short money prior to next pay day! Fingers are crossed we will be able to do our first IUI in April (and hopefully meanwhile scrounge up the money to do it again in May if it's unsuccessful.) 
I'll be calling our clinic tomorrow (the day before I'm due to start my period again) to report a negative pregnancy test. They should then call in my prescription for Clomid which I will be taking days 5-9, then test starting day 12 of my cycle for ovulation. Once we have a positive test we will have a 24 hour window to make the trip and get the procedure done. Not only for the sake of getting pregnant but for the sake of our jobs as well, I am religiously praying that this doesn't take many IUI's. Neither my husband or I are the type to call-in "sick" even if we really do feel a little poopy. My boss however already sort-of knows what is going on and as I said previously, I have awesome coworkers who have agreed to help me by covering my shifts if needed. My husband on the other hand may have a more difficult time taking off work. He does not get "sick time" per se, like I do. He has an allotted amount of paid time off each year which includes any call-ins. With our appointments he has already taken quite a few days off this year, so hopefully we will get lucky for once and have success with one of the first few IUI's. So here's to having our fingers crossed! I will keep you updated as we go!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Our Screwed Up Social Media

I have a friend that is, well, obsessed with the TV show "16 and Pregnant." She is always talking about these teenage couples and all the drama and how she saw on the front page cover of the magazines that so-and-so from the show is pregnant again. Maybe it's my infertile bitchy subconscious but I think these shows are ridiculous! As if America doesn't already have a big enough problem with teen pregnancy, lets glamorize the issue! How about "18 and graduated?" Sounds like a better topic to me than a bunch of immature party kids that get knocked up in high school. I'm not saying that some teen parents aren't capable of being good parents and maturing when they are expecting but it's not exactly the norm. What the hell is wrong with our social media for glorifying teen pregnancy? Show these kids a video of a woman giving birth and screaming her head off.... babies are not an accessory, they are a responsibility. They are not a puppy!

While I'm on the subject of TV shows, why is there no "reality" show about infertility? There's shows about people with 19 kids and even shows about 80 yr old women in other countries mysteriously getting pregnant, so why not a show about infertility? 

Why is everyone so silent about the issue? It's okay for people to talk about horror movies involving torture or how cool it is to finally be of age to get into a strip club or even how what's-her-name had an abortion for the 5th time,  but nobody dares bring up the aspects of infertility in public. If you want to get some nasty looks just talk about IVF, those horrid transvaginal ultrasounds, or even utter the word "infertility" in more than a whisper. It's estimated that 1 out of every 6 couples suffer from infertility. Why act like it doesn't exist?

Does anyone know of any good movies about infertility? I have seen a couple but most of them almost make a mockery out of the issue and it irritates me. One that I did watch recently and thought was a cute movie was "The Odd Life of Timothy Green." There was also one I had watched a couple of years ago called "Facing The Giants" that I liked a lot. If you haven't already watched them, check them out, and leave any suggestions in comments below. I wish you all a wonderful Saturday!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

We've All had Those Moments-

We've all had those moments where you think you are finally finding some emotional stability in your infertility journey--After so many stupid and hurtful comments, so many friends getting pregnant right and left and so many days where you just feel like you are alone in your emotions you start to get somewhat numb to certain things. (Or I've found that I have anyways, I certainly cannot speak for everyone.) We've probably all cried walking past the diaper isle or burst into tears the first second you're alone when a good friend announces her pregnancy. I feel that after so much emotion taking you by surprise so many times you find your own way of coping with it--either avoiding the diaper isle and finding an excuse for your absence at your friend's baby shower (which I have never done for the record), or just learning to expect to cry and deal with it when it happens. I have opted for a happy medium of the two. I'm a pretty emotional person anyway so expecting myself not to have breakdowns just isn't realistic for me. 
I've had those days at work when I look at the precious babies going home to such messed up family lives and my eyes fill with tears that I can't fight back. I always hope that when this happens I am lucky enough to be alone in a corner of the nursery where nobody can see. If I'm not though, I promptly ask the nurse next to me to watch the baby and excuse myself for a trip to the break room to "get some Benadryl for my allergies."-- I'm sure the nurses I work with know exactly what is going on but are kind enough to not make me feel like an idiot.I work with such amazing ladies and I've been lucky enough to find support in them throughout the journey. I know that they are rooting for us and after every appointment are anxious to hear what we found out. To my surprise even those who haven't went through infertility themselves seem to understand my pain and disappointment pretty well--better than most of my friends that aren't in the healthcare field.-- Anyways, I've come up with a way of anticipating and dealing with this situation at work. What I didn't expect was to look at a baby going home to amazing parents (so in love with their new baby and ready to give her the world) and have my eyes well up with the front of the parents. How the hell do I get myself out of this one? 
I realized I was crying because I was imagining how it would feel to get that chance. I remembered the look on the dad's face at delivery when he saw his daughter for the first time, and the mom's face in holding her baby for the first time--it all hit me, just like a train. When will it be my turn? What an amazing and emotional journey to share as a couple.... And how happy I was to know that that angel baby was going home with such great parents! I guess you could call it jealousy, but not in the mean I-hate-you-for-getting-what-I've-wanted sort of way, but in the way that my heart yearns so bad for that feeling that they are feeling in these moments right now. It's days like that that I LOVE my job. Yes, even though it makes me look like an idiot for having "happy tears" that catch me off guard, and even though sometimes it feels like I'm throwing myself to the wolves in an emotional sort of way. It's a bit of a love-hate relationship I suppose. I love what I do, but hate what it does to me emotionally sometimes in my infertility journey. 

Friday, March 15, 2013

I'm Back!

Sorry for the absence lately, it's been a hectic and emotional last couple of months, but here I am again! After my last post from my January appointment with the RE the plan was to try for invitro. After a week of  making calls to figure out if we could afford to finance even just one cycle of IVF we came to the realization that it is just not a possibility at this time for us. It was such a hard thing to admit to, because how can I say that I can't afford to have our own baby? Being realistic though, we just can't. Our medical bills just keep piling up for every damn lab we have drawn and every appointment we have and to spend up to $20,000 for IFV when there is no guarantee of it resulting in a pregnancy is just too much at this point.
It couldn't have been any more perfect timing that the RE called us the very next morning to tell us that after his analysis the movement was above average and he felt we could try doing a few IUI's first. So, that's where we are now--saving up for our first IUI. We are hoping to be able to have the money saved up to do our first one by April. I will be back on Clomid, so I am a bit nervous about that after the pain I had from the big cyst it caused last time but I am willing to do anything to increase our chances, even if just by a tiny amount.
We would appreciate thoughts and prayers as we try to save up for the IUI's and go through these cycles. We were told that IUI only has about a 10% chance resulting in pregnancy so it is a bit disheartening to save up hundreds of dollars for only a 10% chance of getting pregnant. On top of the money, it's stressful because they gave us 10 thousand papers with all these instructions and when to call and when to do this and that and I am so overwhelmed!
 I have always been taught that nothing worth having comes easy so here's our start down a confusing and emotional path!