Wednesday, March 20, 2013

We've All had Those Moments-

We've all had those moments where you think you are finally finding some emotional stability in your infertility journey--After so many stupid and hurtful comments, so many friends getting pregnant right and left and so many days where you just feel like you are alone in your emotions you start to get somewhat numb to certain things. (Or I've found that I have anyways, I certainly cannot speak for everyone.) We've probably all cried walking past the diaper isle or burst into tears the first second you're alone when a good friend announces her pregnancy. I feel that after so much emotion taking you by surprise so many times you find your own way of coping with it--either avoiding the diaper isle and finding an excuse for your absence at your friend's baby shower (which I have never done for the record), or just learning to expect to cry and deal with it when it happens. I have opted for a happy medium of the two. I'm a pretty emotional person anyway so expecting myself not to have breakdowns just isn't realistic for me. 
I've had those days at work when I look at the precious babies going home to such messed up family lives and my eyes fill with tears that I can't fight back. I always hope that when this happens I am lucky enough to be alone in a corner of the nursery where nobody can see. If I'm not though, I promptly ask the nurse next to me to watch the baby and excuse myself for a trip to the break room to "get some Benadryl for my allergies."-- I'm sure the nurses I work with know exactly what is going on but are kind enough to not make me feel like an idiot.I work with such amazing ladies and I've been lucky enough to find support in them throughout the journey. I know that they are rooting for us and after every appointment are anxious to hear what we found out. To my surprise even those who haven't went through infertility themselves seem to understand my pain and disappointment pretty well--better than most of my friends that aren't in the healthcare field.-- Anyways, I've come up with a way of anticipating and dealing with this situation at work. What I didn't expect was to look at a baby going home to amazing parents (so in love with their new baby and ready to give her the world) and have my eyes well up with the front of the parents. How the hell do I get myself out of this one? 
I realized I was crying because I was imagining how it would feel to get that chance. I remembered the look on the dad's face at delivery when he saw his daughter for the first time, and the mom's face in holding her baby for the first time--it all hit me, just like a train. When will it be my turn? What an amazing and emotional journey to share as a couple.... And how happy I was to know that that angel baby was going home with such great parents! I guess you could call it jealousy, but not in the mean I-hate-you-for-getting-what-I've-wanted sort of way, but in the way that my heart yearns so bad for that feeling that they are feeling in these moments right now. It's days like that that I LOVE my job. Yes, even though it makes me look like an idiot for having "happy tears" that catch me off guard, and even though sometimes it feels like I'm throwing myself to the wolves in an emotional sort of way. It's a bit of a love-hate relationship I suppose. I love what I do, but hate what it does to me emotionally sometimes in my infertility journey. 


  1. I am so glad you are blogging again. Your honesty about your experiences really does help me and I am sure it is also helping other. Hopefully, most importantly, it is helping you. I think you have amazing courage and strength. Truly.

    Me and my husband were asked by my brother and his wife to baptize their third child in August. They asked us when she was two months pregnant. For one year now, I have been imagining us standing in front of everyone at the church with me bawling my eyes out. Although we are honored to be asked, I don't think they have any clue how we are feeling. I just pray I will feel differently on the day of the christening.

  2. Wow, that must be hard for you to do. I assume you've told them you would do it? I try to look at things this way sometimes--One day you may regret your decision had you not done it. Although it may hurt at the time, one day when you are holding your own baby in your arms I would hope (for the sake of every infertile) that most of the pain in infertility will just be a very distant memory. Have you talked to your brother and sister-in-law about how you are feeling? I pray you find the strength to get you through the christening that day. BTW- do you have a blog? I like to keep up with all you other ladies on here but couldn't find a blog link on your profile...

  3. Yes, we agreed to do it. We were a bit stunned when they asked us because they told us they were pregnant all in the same breath--on Skype mind you! Although I have cried about it for months, I turned a corner in January, when I came to realize that saying no would mean that I lost hope that we'd have our own child one day. Plus, seeing her photos online made me feel guilty because she's so cute and innocent. (They live far away.) With all that said, I have told myself that if I want to back out at any point between now and August, we will. That seems to calm me when I feel anxious about it. I fear everyone looking at us inside the church, feeling bad for us--the poor infertiles. (Did I mention this is their 3rd child?) Anyhow, like you said, I don't want to have any regrets in the future, when all of this behind us. And, yes, I have a blog. I changed my name to "Eve," deciding to be a bit more anonymous, so I can allow myself to be as honest as I can. I'm still getting used to blogging, so we'll see how it goes. However, you have inspired me with your own blog!

    1. That makes me happy to hear, I will definitely follow your blog. I am glad to hear you guys made a decision, I know making decisions for anything involving infertility is always a chore--and I like that you have allowed yourself the option to back out at any point as a way of helping you deal with your anxiety about it. I will be anxious to read your blog!