Finally!

I struggled the last couple of days with going back and forth on rather I should write this post or just sort of fall off the face of the blogging world. Obviously I've decided to write. 

I woke both Sunday & Monday from a stupid dream that had me in tears so bad that I couldn't fall back to sleep. My boobs were getting more tender and my nipples were a bit sensitive, but nothing alarming. By Monday I figured I was up at 4 am and bored anyway so I may as well take a test. I was crampy and gassy and cried as I sat on the toilet waiting for those stupid 3 minutes to pass. I sat for more like 5 however because I was too paralyzed by the fear of seeing another negative that I had to remain sitting and say a prayer for God to comfort me. I stood, and there it was-- a very faint 2nd pink line! Tears filled my eyes and as my heart raced I thanked God for finally giving us this miracle we have prayed and tried so hard for. I tried to wake my husband (who is not a morning person) and he mumbled grumpily about me waking him up and fell back to sleep. When he finally woke for work I showed him the test. Let me just say this was not the reaction I was hoping for or expecting. He said "You can barely see anything, it needs to be darker." Talk about raining on my parade. Being emotional, I starting sobbing uncontrollably and it ended in a big fight because I was so hurt and we both left for work without a kiss. 

When I got to work I asked the first OB I saw to write me a script for my HCG levels. After about an hour he came back with my printed test results. My HCG was 20.6 which is within range for someone 3-4 weeks. He congratulated me and left. I was so excited I told every poor soul that walked through that nursery door that I am pregnant! (Who can blame me....we've been trying for about 3 years now.) I called my husband to tell him my blood work was positive as well, and got a little bit better reaction that time. I'd say I'm a little more than ecstatic! After work we surprised my parents and the rest of my family. My mom was so happy she cried. My dad grinned, but I think it was a little awkward for both of us. My best friend ran into my husband getting groceries yesterday and text me to tell me how much he gloated about our excitement. This was so reassuring for me. I know that he is so excited, I was just anticipating a very different reaction when I told him and when it wasn't what I expected it really pissed me off!

Yesterday I was extremely crampy and my back hurt even worse. JUST like AF coming! I fought back tears of fear all day yesterday. I slept with the heating pad on my back. I am still very crampy this morning, and my ovaries hurt a bit oddly enough,  but I was so relieved to wake and not see any evidence of AF when I wiped. Thank you God! My nipples are still sensitive, but not painful or "on fire" as I've heard many women describe it. My mind is still thinking of the worst scenarios like tubal pregnancies or misscarriages and I am struggling to keep from stressing. When you want something so bad and you finally get it, it is not easy to relax. Especially if you are a bit of a control-freak in some ways like me.

Now we wait, and keep praying that I have a healthy pregnancy. A few women in my family have had miscarriages with their first few pregnancies so I am very nervous. I decided yesterday that it is out of my hands though and I just have to put my trust in God that he will see me through this and keep our little miracle healthy.

The reason I struggled with deciding whether to write or not was because I know for many of you this will be a source of pain and for that I apologize. I can say I have been there before. However, I hope that you will share my joy just as you would hope others would yours if this was your post. After all, we are all working so hard for the same thing, right? I feel that I will always consider myself an infertile, and I don't feel that I could ever forget the painful process we have been through to get there.  It is not a guarantee that this pregnancy will be without trouble, although that is certainly what I am praying for. I hope that this gives you hope, and that you know I still pray for you all, just as much as I pray for myself through this process. I still feel the sting of people's stupid comments. I've already heard "see I told you it would happen when it was time" (duh), "I told you that you just needed to relax." If these idiots only knew..... For us, babies aren't "luck" or a drunken night of sex with our husbands. Actually, it was technically the nurse that knocked me up, on a table with my feet in the stirrups. There was nothing fun about it, but I don't care how I got here, I'm just so blessed that I did. 

I have not yet decided whether or not I will blog about the pregnancy. If I decide to, I will probably start a new blog just for my pregnancy so that I am not flooding people's reading list with baby news if they don't want to hear about it (I know I didn't, so I don't blame you a bit.) If I do start a new blog I will post the info on here so that anyone who chooses may follow me. I have been so grateful for all the support throughout our whole journey, and please know that I am still reading your blogs and rooting for all of you!

CD 24

4 more days until test day. I am very emotional today and my boobs are a bit tender, I anticipate AF coming on Wednesday rather than the BFP I was hoping for. I am getting more bloated by the day, and more anxious and depressed by the day too. 

As I have for the last 24 days, and many days before, I prayed and cried in the shower this morning begging God for a miracle. I was raised in church and am a Christian but throughout the course of ttc-- especially the further along we get-- I find myself doubting and hurting, wondering why God has allowed me to go through this pain for this long without stepping in and giving me a miracle. We have gotten ourselves into debt with all the labs, tests, etc, not to mention the emotional and physical toll it has taken on me especially. I usually like to think that most everything happens for a reason, however I don't believe that there is a reason for this struggle. There is nothing in my future that I want to do so badly I would ever look back and wish I hadn't had children so I could do it, there is nobody that I would ever want to have a place in my life if they couldn't love a child of mine. Infertility has lead me to question so many things along the way.... my job, my marriage, even the purpose of my life if not to be a mother. If everything happens for a reason then why are these druggies and child abusers given the gift of bearing children? I just can't believe that there is a reason that they are more deserving than I, or that there is a reason that God would put any child in that environment. I realize that as a Christian I shouldn't question God, I should have faith in his plans for my future but this is just something I don't think I'll ever be willing to let go of. I feel that I was "meant" to be a mommy, as much as I was "meant" to have some sort of healing/caring profession when I grew up beyond just mending a bird's broken wings, splinting a rabbit's broken leg, or playing Nurse to my dolls. I am MEANT for this. 

My heart aches at the thought that I may not get the result I've been praying for come Wednesday. The thought of another negative test makes every cell in my body hurt just as much as my heart hurts. 

As you can tell I am not very positive today. This 2ww has taken a toll on me and made me question everything I think and feel.