Saturday, April 20, 2013

CD 24

4 more days until test day. I am very emotional today and my boobs are a bit tender, I anticipate AF coming on Wednesday rather than the BFP I was hoping for. I am getting more bloated by the day, and more anxious and depressed by the day too. 

As I have for the last 24 days, and many days before, I prayed and cried in the shower this morning begging God for a miracle. I was raised in church and am a Christian but throughout the course of ttc-- especially the further along we get-- I find myself doubting and hurting, wondering why God has allowed me to go through this pain for this long without stepping in and giving me a miracle. We have gotten ourselves into debt with all the labs, tests, etc, not to mention the emotional and physical toll it has taken on me especially. I usually like to think that most everything happens for a reason, however I don't believe that there is a reason for this struggle. There is nothing in my future that I want to do so badly I would ever look back and wish I hadn't had children so I could do it, there is nobody that I would ever want to have a place in my life if they couldn't love a child of mine. Infertility has lead me to question so many things along the way.... my job, my marriage, even the purpose of my life if not to be a mother. If everything happens for a reason then why are these druggies and child abusers given the gift of bearing children? I just can't believe that there is a reason that they are more deserving than I, or that there is a reason that God would put any child in that environment. I realize that as a Christian I shouldn't question God, I should have faith in his plans for my future but this is just something I don't think I'll ever be willing to let go of. I feel that I was "meant" to be a mommy, as much as I was "meant" to have some sort of healing/caring profession when I grew up beyond just mending a bird's broken wings, splinting a rabbit's broken leg, or playing Nurse to my dolls. I am MEANT for this. 

My heart aches at the thought that I may not get the result I've been praying for come Wednesday. The thought of another negative test makes every cell in my body hurt just as much as my heart hurts. 

As you can tell I am not very positive today. This 2ww has taken a toll on me and made me question everything I think and feel. 





3 comments:

  1. I want to have words of wisdom here regarding faith, and that the Lord will provide, but I don't. It's easy to be thankful when our cup runs over with blessings, and easy to be resentful when it doesn't. I am a firm believer in "everything happens for a reason" also--but until we know that reason it doesn't seem so. See, no wisdom...just rhetoric. Hugs!

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  2. I understand. I really do. You are not alone. Everything you shared so honestly is not easy to admit to and even harder to go through. It doesn't feel good to question God, but how can you not, when everyone else makes it seem like having a baby is so easy? {{HUGS}}

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