Occasionally I have these days where I just think we should put this all behind us and just adopt. I could stop stressing about how we would ever be able to afford to pursue IVF, we could stop racking up our debt in Dr's appointments, fertility meds and test after test. We could give some beautiful baby a loving home and maybe this emptiness would go away. I'd have a son or daughter to teach new things and love.
Then I realize I'm not sure that it would make the emptiness totally go away. I don't think the desire to see our own flesh and blood would ever completely leave my heart and mind. I would love them just the same but I'm not sure I could let go of missing all the experiences of being pregnant and getting to say he or she has my husband's eyes, or my lips. I see my friends kids and it is so neat to see how much they look like one parent or the other, or a complete mixture of both. I can't help but wonder how adorable our babies would be.
Maybe one day I'll know when it's the right time to let go and accept what is, but for now I'm not sure I'm ready. I just hope and pray every day for a miracle.
Throughout our TTC journey I've always said there's at least one question I'll ask God one day: Why us when there are so many innocent beautiful babies out there that go to unloving homes where they weren't wanted in the first place. I truly believe babies are miracles so why do these crackheads get to have babies and I don't? It's always so refreshing to see happy families that are overjoyed about their new little miracle and
know they are going to a loving home, however around here it seems that
is actually kind-of the minority. There's a lot of drugs in our town and
our teen pregnancy rate sadly probably makes up 80% of our pregnant
population. It's been a rough couple of days at work. We've had our own little baby boom lately and only 3 families are really normal, loving couples who are prepared and excited about their baby--the rest are a little "off" to put it nicely. One baby has only spent 2 1/2 hours since birth (2 days ago) in the mom's room, the rest of the 48 hours have been spent in the nursery because she is too busy on the phone fighting with her baby daddy and taking advantage of the pain meds to spend time with her new baby. In a delivery yesterday for one of our teen mom's, the baby daddy finally struts in right at time to push filling the whole labor room with enough weed smell to get high just from being around him. Later a coworker found the baby left in the crib alone in the room while the teen mom and dad went outside to smoke. A 14 year old pregnant and alone who won't say who the father is but later asks staff to make sure her father and brother don't get anywhere near her--makes you wonder if the pregnancy wasn't a result of some abuse by a family member. Another delivered her 6th baby yet she doesn't have custody of any of the other 5. It scares me to look at these precious babies and question their futures. It's so backwards and unfair that they get this privilege that they view as a burden and I am racking my debt up month by month to try to get what any other idiot gets to have!
As promised yesterday, here is a list of the songs I have on my play list that are guaranteed to make me cry.....sometimes you just have to let the tears fall to feel better. Please post your songs under comments, I'd love to download some more. Seems that there are very few songs (like 3-4) actually written referring to infertility but the other songs are about some form of grieving. Here it is: 1."Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks- As I said in my post yesterday, this song hits the nail right on the head for me about those certain people who never have anything nice to say even though they know it's a sensitive issue. 2. "I Would Die for That" by Kellie Coffey- This song is a sure-fire way to make me cry, every time, even though I've heard it 7048237639704098047198752987 times. This is a must have on any infertile's play list. Even if you aren't infertile and are for some odd reason looking at my blog, listen to this song, it will give you a little more insight on what the hell we go through. 3. "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble- the part where it says "I might have to wait, I'll never give up, I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck, wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life...." 4. "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton- this is more about how I feel about my husband and my someday-child. My husband has been a God send through all of this, he is so selfless and willing to do anything to get this child, and his support --even just holding me without words while I cry on his lap on my bad days. 5. "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks- A bit of a weird song in some ways but there is a part in the song that speaks directly about infertility and how it feels like it should be the one thing a woman can do. 6. "Come Tomorrow" by Juliet Lloyd- Just listen to it.... 7. "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans- the first part about just managing to get up and get dressed and how you get a little bit better about putting on your "I'm ok" face each day. 8. "The Climb" by Miley Cirus- obviously about a struggle to attain a dream. 9. "Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)" by Gary Allan- a reminder that the pain has to end at some point.....right?....please? 10. "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns- I've always liked this group, their voices are calming to me. It's a beautiful song about a struggle and not understanding why you feel that God is letting you go through this alone but trusting that he has a plan. 11. "Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns- Just because sometimes I feel so damn forgotten and alone. 12. "Stand" by Rascal Flatts- about finding your strength in tough times.
** On a side note: Does anyone know how to center the blog title? I must have a little OCD in me because I can't stand it anymore, it is driving me crazy! Help would be appreciated, thanks!
Well I woke up to my monthly gift today--only to me it's a burden not a gift. I don't know why it still hurts so bad, we know that we can't conceive naturally. Maybe it's because it's a monthly reminder of that fact. My periods have always been hard for me to handle anyways, I have excruciating cramps and back aches, nausea, and mood swings bad enough to give someone whiplash (usually it's the crying for no apparent reason.....usually I'm not even quite sure why I'm sobbing uncontrollably.) But on top of all this pain and sobbing, I have to deal with the emotions I have about our infertility, treatments, etc which are inescapable for about 6 days. Last month I had a little breakdown and stayed in bed crying all day reading quotes about infertility.
I don't think my husband is completely sure how to handle all this sometimes, but he's gotten a lot better about understanding me and comforting me than he was when this journey first began. He's the typical guy that has the thinking that if you don't talk about it then it will go away. But it won't, and he's realized that and has gotten so much better about comforting me. When we first started all of this, I didn't understand how on earth he didn't seem to be heartbroken. Like I'm sure many wives have done, I started to question if in-fact he truly wanted kids the way I do. I felt like I was going through it alone emotionally because I would bring it up and he would try to escape the conversation. It was about a year ago when I finally realized that he did care as much as me and was hurting like me, he just keeps it bottled up being the private sort of man he is. It changed a lot for me to finally for once have him talk about it with watery eyes and know I wasn't going through this alone. I think men in general just have such a different way of showing their emotions. Maybe my husband finds some comfort in trying not to think or talk about it--it makes sense to push away those things that bring you pain. Trying to ignore it never worked for me though, I am comforted by words & my husband's touch, and knowing that I'm not alone. I think it's important to know how you find comfort, and how your partner finds comfort as well so that you can support and comfort each other the best you can. For anybody else that takes some comfort in words-- I've found some quotes that spoke to me (Thank you Pinterest). I hope that they will also bring you some amount of comfort as well.
And a few funny ones because we all have those pregnant people we just can't stand some days...
Wishing everyone the best Saturday you could have!
I love to read so I have downloaded a book to my kindle called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart." Has anyone read it? I haven't had a chance to start reading yet since my short days off are always filled with catching up on the things I don't do on the days I work. I haven't ever heard anything about this book, or any infertility book period for that matter. For those of you out there that have suffered the heartbreak of a miscarriage, I did have someone who had a miscarriage tell me that the book "Heaven is for Real" is a wonderful book....haven't read it personally though. Any suggestions from readers about infertility books? Please post comments with any suggestions...I would love suggestions. On a side note....I ran across a blogger's post this morning which was SUCH a blessing to me. I have been struggling with a family member's pregnancy and birth of her child for about a year now which has caused me much grief, pain and anxiety (I have not shared the story yet...maybe some day I will.) I feel so relieved to know that I am not the only one who has endured this circumstance and the heart ache that comes with it. With everything that has happened it has made it painfully awkward to be around this family member. Let me just say I don't like having this much anger and hatred built up toward one person but at the same time I don't know how to deal with it. If I spoke openly about my feelings I fear that it would just make everything worse and that nobody would understand where I am coming from. I have thought about this every day for a year now and have no answer in my head to a solution for it all, so I just keep quiet and try to avoid her.
This is the song I tried to put up in my last post which apparently didn't work. This is such a beautiful song, and I cry every single time I hear it. I see so many people that are given the gift of a precious child that arguably don't deserve the privilege--they see it as a burden, not a miracle. Why not me? I had a friend ask me once (with only the best intentions) If I couldn't get pregnant, would I be willing to let someone else carry my baby. This was before we knew my husband was azoospermic. It's a fair question, but for some reason I found it very offensive. If I can't do it--if I'm going to miss out on the gift of carrying my child and experiencing all that anyways I would probably just adopt, quite honestly. Of course I want children of my own flesh and blood, and my husband's, but I'm not sure I could bear the sight and thought of someone else carrying my child. Selfish and stupid? Maybe, but that's how I feel. I want to bring my own dream to life.....I want to feel my child move inside me. I want to experience the one thing unique to being a woman--morning sickness, swollen ankles & all!
