It's been awhile...

Hi all... I know it's been awhile. Just thought I would check in to see how everyone else is doing and let people know that I am in fact still alive and well. Things are still going great with the pregnancy. In order to stay anonymous I'll be keeping the details to a minimum but I can say everything in my world is wonderful. I have truly never been happier. My husband has been wonderful. I feel great and we are so excited for our little miracle baby. I have to say that as a first-timer, being pregnant is indescribable. I've heard about and witnessed dozens of symptoms but until you experience them yourself it is unfathomable & I am loving every second of it!

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, I have made it through the first trimester without any problems. I already have a little bit of a bump and I am counting down the weeks until we can feel our baby move! I hope this post finds you happy, healthy and closer to your own little miracle!!

5 Weeks

Not a bunch to write now, just thought I'd check in and let everyone know how things are going.

I have my first appointment next week. I am actually feeling great other than being exhausted. I don't necessarily feel tired, but it's all I can do to pick up my feet and walk. I've been indulging myself in naps just about every day on my days off. I have been eating every meal like it's my last meal-- I am just hungry 24/7 but am pleased to see that I haven't gained any weight yet from all my eating. I haven't had any more cramps, no spotting, and my HCG is well within range. By the end of this 5th week our baby will already have a heart beat and I cannot wait to hear that beautiful sound on ultrasound! I have already been thinking about delivery and how I want things done after the baby is born. We know that both my husband and I agree that it should be just him in the delivery room with me (besides the Nurses and Doctor of course). I am sure we will have family coming into town to visit and I am pretty certain that after the baby is born I am going to ask that we not have any visitors for at least an hour after birth to give us time alone with our little miracle before everyone charges in wanting to see the baby-- yes, I'm going to be very, very stingy! My husband has been wonderful. My family is excited.

I thank God every night for this little blessing growing inside me, and I pray that he will carry us both through a healthy pregnancy and delivery. Please keep us in your prayers as I continue to pray for a miracle for all of you! 

Finally!

I struggled the last couple of days with going back and forth on rather I should write this post or just sort of fall off the face of the blogging world. Obviously I've decided to write. 

I woke both Sunday & Monday from a stupid dream that had me in tears so bad that I couldn't fall back to sleep. My boobs were getting more tender and my nipples were a bit sensitive, but nothing alarming. By Monday I figured I was up at 4 am and bored anyway so I may as well take a test. I was crampy and gassy and cried as I sat on the toilet waiting for those stupid 3 minutes to pass. I sat for more like 5 however because I was too paralyzed by the fear of seeing another negative that I had to remain sitting and say a prayer for God to comfort me. I stood, and there it was-- a very faint 2nd pink line! Tears filled my eyes and as my heart raced I thanked God for finally giving us this miracle we have prayed and tried so hard for. I tried to wake my husband (who is not a morning person) and he mumbled grumpily about me waking him up and fell back to sleep. When he finally woke for work I showed him the test. Let me just say this was not the reaction I was hoping for or expecting. He said "You can barely see anything, it needs to be darker." Talk about raining on my parade. Being emotional, I starting sobbing uncontrollably and it ended in a big fight because I was so hurt and we both left for work without a kiss. 

When I got to work I asked the first OB I saw to write me a script for my HCG levels. After about an hour he came back with my printed test results. My HCG was 20.6 which is within range for someone 3-4 weeks. He congratulated me and left. I was so excited I told every poor soul that walked through that nursery door that I am pregnant! (Who can blame me....we've been trying for about 3 years now.) I called my husband to tell him my blood work was positive as well, and got a little bit better reaction that time. I'd say I'm a little more than ecstatic! After work we surprised my parents and the rest of my family. My mom was so happy she cried. My dad grinned, but I think it was a little awkward for both of us. My best friend ran into my husband getting groceries yesterday and text me to tell me how much he gloated about our excitement. This was so reassuring for me. I know that he is so excited, I was just anticipating a very different reaction when I told him and when it wasn't what I expected it really pissed me off!

Yesterday I was extremely crampy and my back hurt even worse. JUST like AF coming! I fought back tears of fear all day yesterday. I slept with the heating pad on my back. I am still very crampy this morning, and my ovaries hurt a bit oddly enough,  but I was so relieved to wake and not see any evidence of AF when I wiped. Thank you God! My nipples are still sensitive, but not painful or "on fire" as I've heard many women describe it. My mind is still thinking of the worst scenarios like tubal pregnancies or misscarriages and I am struggling to keep from stressing. When you want something so bad and you finally get it, it is not easy to relax. Especially if you are a bit of a control-freak in some ways like me.

Now we wait, and keep praying that I have a healthy pregnancy. A few women in my family have had miscarriages with their first few pregnancies so I am very nervous. I decided yesterday that it is out of my hands though and I just have to put my trust in God that he will see me through this and keep our little miracle healthy.

The reason I struggled with deciding whether to write or not was because I know for many of you this will be a source of pain and for that I apologize. I can say I have been there before. However, I hope that you will share my joy just as you would hope others would yours if this was your post. After all, we are all working so hard for the same thing, right? I feel that I will always consider myself an infertile, and I don't feel that I could ever forget the painful process we have been through to get there.  It is not a guarantee that this pregnancy will be without trouble, although that is certainly what I am praying for. I hope that this gives you hope, and that you know I still pray for you all, just as much as I pray for myself through this process. I still feel the sting of people's stupid comments. I've already heard "see I told you it would happen when it was time" (duh), "I told you that you just needed to relax." If these idiots only knew..... For us, babies aren't "luck" or a drunken night of sex with our husbands. Actually, it was technically the nurse that knocked me up, on a table with my feet in the stirrups. There was nothing fun about it, but I don't care how I got here, I'm just so blessed that I did. 

I have not yet decided whether or not I will blog about the pregnancy. If I decide to, I will probably start a new blog just for my pregnancy so that I am not flooding people's reading list with baby news if they don't want to hear about it (I know I didn't, so I don't blame you a bit.) If I do start a new blog I will post the info on here so that anyone who chooses may follow me. I have been so grateful for all the support throughout our whole journey, and please know that I am still reading your blogs and rooting for all of you!

CD 24

4 more days until test day. I am very emotional today and my boobs are a bit tender, I anticipate AF coming on Wednesday rather than the BFP I was hoping for. I am getting more bloated by the day, and more anxious and depressed by the day too. 

As I have for the last 24 days, and many days before, I prayed and cried in the shower this morning begging God for a miracle. I was raised in church and am a Christian but throughout the course of ttc-- especially the further along we get-- I find myself doubting and hurting, wondering why God has allowed me to go through this pain for this long without stepping in and giving me a miracle. We have gotten ourselves into debt with all the labs, tests, etc, not to mention the emotional and physical toll it has taken on me especially. I usually like to think that most everything happens for a reason, however I don't believe that there is a reason for this struggle. There is nothing in my future that I want to do so badly I would ever look back and wish I hadn't had children so I could do it, there is nobody that I would ever want to have a place in my life if they couldn't love a child of mine. Infertility has lead me to question so many things along the way.... my job, my marriage, even the purpose of my life if not to be a mother. If everything happens for a reason then why are these druggies and child abusers given the gift of bearing children? I just can't believe that there is a reason that they are more deserving than I, or that there is a reason that God would put any child in that environment. I realize that as a Christian I shouldn't question God, I should have faith in his plans for my future but this is just something I don't think I'll ever be willing to let go of. I feel that I was "meant" to be a mommy, as much as I was "meant" to have some sort of healing/caring profession when I grew up beyond just mending a bird's broken wings, splinting a rabbit's broken leg, or playing Nurse to my dolls. I am MEANT for this. 

My heart aches at the thought that I may not get the result I've been praying for come Wednesday. The thought of another negative test makes every cell in my body hurt just as much as my heart hurts. 

As you can tell I am not very positive today. This 2ww has taken a toll on me and made me question everything I think and feel. 

Starting to get Discouraged...

I have 8 days down as of today, 6 more to test day. I'm starting to get a little discouraged since my only "cramps" this morning has been gas pain. My boobs aren't unusually tender, I don't feel particularly emotional (other than being a nervous nellie waiting this crappy 2ww), I don't feel like I have any cravings--just hungry in general but I'm starting to attribute that to stress due to the lack of the above symptoms. I am still hoping and praying for that BFP on Wednesday but I'm not expecting it as of the moment. The only thing that remains this morning is the tenderness in my lower abdomen. I've had no spotting, no nausea, and no headache since Tuesday. I've prayed multiple times each day, especially in the shower (where I do all my praying/crying/singing/cursing), I've begged God to give me this gift and a chance to be a wonderful mother to a child I would place above all else. I've sung just in case there happens to be an embryo in there, I've cradled my would-be stomach as if I were pregnant and promised to protect and love this child if God would so bless us. 

I saw on TV last night that First Response has a test that can predict 6 days before a missed period so I have been very tempted to make a trip to the store, but despite knowing that further from a missed period the test is taken, the more dramatically the incidence of false negatives, I know myself and the second I saw that negative I would only stress myself out.

I am scared not only of not getting the thing that my heart aches for most, but also of falling back into that pit of depression that would accompany a negative test. I have felt such hope in the last couple of months that the things that normally really upset me--pregnant women, the diaper isle, baby shower invitations, etc-- haven't shaken me as much. I'm so afraid of that sadness that you can't escape, and that feeling that you're 1 or 2 BFN's away from being locked in a mental institution for going crazy on the next poor soul that hands you a baby shower invitation.

 

7 Days Down, 7 More to Go...

I think it has been the longest week of my life thus far--and I still have one more week to go. After finally returning to work after my long stretch of days off I was so excited to finally get to tell someone other than my husband. Just as they always have been, my coworkers are all so awesomely supportive and excited for me.

I have felt the last couple of days like I could eat the paint off the wall. Symptom, maybe--probably not, since implantation is likely just now occurring if I am lucky enough to be pregnant. I think it's more of a nervous/stress thing. Then I woke up feeling a little crampy yesterday morning, and again this morning....like I was going to start my period. At first I almost burst into tears but then I realized I still have a week until AF is due--that was a little odd. My lower abdomen is sore, and tender if I lean up against something. I've been telling myself it could just be from the procedure still--maybe? As the day went on yesterday I ended up with gas so bad even my back hurt and a little bit of a headache. It's not like I'm paying attention to every little symptom or anything.... :)

If it wasn't for google raining on my parade I would have been back in the back room with the rest of my coworkers whipping out the ultrasound equipment on me. According to google though, nothing will show up on ultrasound until after 4 weeks, usually more like 5 weeks. I was still tempted though because I thought maybe we could see my follicle somewhere. This leads me to another point....why do they consider you 3w (if I happen to be pregnant) when ovulation didn't even occur until 1w ago? I know the exact date of conception would be the 10th. If I test positive next Wednesday I will be considered 4w along when in reality I will only be 2w pregnant. I think it's stupid, but nobody asks me....

Yes, like a crazy hopeful infertile I've already downloaded a pregnancy tracker app on my phone and figured out my due date on our EDC wheel in L & D. My due date would be January 2, 2014. How awesome would it be if I got lucky and had the New Year baby!

On another note--does anyone watch "The Client List" on Lifetime? Sunday's episode had both my husband and I laughing ridiculously at each other. The main character's best friend, Lacey and her husband are ttc. In this episode there was a scene where the husband started his old band back up but failed to tell his wife about it which somehow led to an argument about how their sex has become "mechanical" and how she always has to talk about ovulating and how it creeps her husband out. My husband turned and looked at me with a raised eyebrow and we both burst out laughing uncontrollably. It's not funny when you're there, and the baby making is such serious stuff, but I suppose when you get to the point we are at, after being in that "mechanical" baby making mode for well over a year you realize how ridiculous you were in each others eyes in that moment. I have to say I'm glad to finally see someone putting infertility in the media and in such a realistic sort-of way. I'm sure a lot of you ladies have been in that situation as well. I think it's a weird situation because the sex is so timed and planned at the exact right second that it becomes awkward, and for me, not as fun as it was prior to testing for ovulation. The up-side of all this RE and  IUI business is that our sex life is no longer timed around or affected by ovulation tests. 

7 more days friends! Fingers still crossed....

5 Days Post IUI

I'm 5 days pIUI today and goodness it has been a long 5 days. To think I still have over a week left to find out is driving me insane. I've been trying not to turn any little thing into being suspicious of pregnancy symptoms but it's hard even though I know that my egg wouldn't even be implanted yet if I was pregnant. After 2 days pIUI all of my cramping was gone.  I know given the circumstances it's a long shot but to think of going through all this time after time is depressing. It does feel good however, to have a glimmer of hope for the first time in years. As always, I just keep hoping for a miracle. 

And Now We Wait...

Yes, I know, I said yesterday that I probably wouldn't blog today but I just cant stand it. The thought of doing nothing at home all day is already making me crazy so I figured blogging would help eat up at least a little time, so here I am. Turns out my plan to "relax and stay positive" is easier said than done.

After I got my positive ov test result at 3am yesterday morning I let my husband know so he could call-in. I attempted to go back to sleep but realized around 5:30-5:45 that falling back to sleep wasn't going to happen so I decided to get up. I was so excited! I wrote my post and drank my cup of coffee and waited for my husband to wake up. He woke about 7:45 and got in the shower. After he got out, I got in and he wanted to plan on leaving as soon as we got out so that he could stop by the barber on the way while we waited for the clinic to return the message I left. Come 9:00 we still hadn't heard from the clinic so I called again while my husband was in the barber shop to report my test and schedule our appointment as I had been directed to do. Somewhere along the way in the last two appointments we both apparently misunderstood the timing of IUI. When I called and the clerk said "great we will see you tomorrow, what time would work for you?" I was a little irritated as it was already hard for my husband to call off. After talking to the nurse, she said although it isn't the most ideal timing, they would still be happy to do the IUI the same day, so we made the trip. 

I had my ultrasound and was excited to hear that my endometrium lining was 16mm, and the nurse said they want at least 6mm, so I was golden in that department. I was even more excited to see how many follicles I had.....then she told me I had 2 on my left and none on the right--disappointing news because I'm certain it felt like I had about 20 in there! I got dressed and we left to get coffee while we waited the 45 minutes for them to wash the sperm. Let me just say I didn't expect for the procedure to be that uncomfortable... I am still cramping today. It was a very odd feeling. It's not as bad as my period by any means but I wasn't expecting to feel anything since I had made it through my HSG like a champ way back when we first started ttc (I had been told by my Gyn that the test was pretty uncomfortable for most women.)When it was over and the nurse said I could get dressed I almost said "wait aren't I supposed to stand on my head or do something ridiculous like that for 30 minutes?" but she said since the sperm are past the cervix they won't leak back through so I have no activity restrictions other than avoiding hot baths, etc. We headed back home and got back late last night. Today I am cramping a little and I'm not sure if it's still from the IUI or if I'm ovulating now--I'm hoping I'm ovulating.

Now here I sit, trying not to stress and obsess about it. I can't help it though. Every hour counts in the life of a sperm and follicle since there is such a short window for conception. With the odds already not in our favor due to only having 2 follicles and my husband's lowered sperm count I am a nervous nellie today. I said several prayers during the trip yesterday, and even though the odds are against us with our timing not being ideal and all the other factors, I am praying for a miracle. I will test on the 24th and will be sitting around until then waiting & hoping for 2 pink lines. This will be the longest 2 weeks of my life thus far, I am sure of it.

CD 14--Here we go!

It's CD 14, and the day we will go for our first IUI because I got my positive ovulation test at 3 am this morning. I woke up to go pee and realized it was only 3am, however I knew I couldn't hold it for another 2 hours so I figured I may as well test! Now I'm up like a 6 year old on Christmas morning because I'm to excited to sleep. I will be calling the clinic as soon as they open to get an appointment with them today and we will make the trip to be in the office for probably an hour or so and then drive back home tonight so my husband can be at work tomorrow. After today starts the big 2ww and I am so nervous but so excited! Because of unforeseen circumstances we had to pull some money from our savings last week so we will be tight on money until next pay day but I don't care. If this is what will get me my baby I will be happy to eat Ramen noodles and baked potatoes like a poor broke college student again! Did I mention I am so excited? Here we go!

I'm praying this is it friends! I hope this is our big day where I will finally get my eggo preggo! I plan on resting the next couple of days but will post again as soon as I can. 

CD 12

First test day, which was a negative. I am relieved about that though as I'm hoping I'll be ovulating CD 14 or 15, only because it would make things a lot easier with our schedules, plus it would allow me more time to rest after the IUI. I will be off and although my husband will be at work, today and tomorrow were going to be hectic days and he was nervous about having to call in. I am so anxious for this. My ovaries feel so big and distended that it's hard for me to sleep any other way besides flat on my back at night and my pants are all so tight on my stomach that I have just wanted to live in yoga pants the last week.

My husband briefly spoke to his boss yesterday about our situation and said his boss seemed very understanding and willing to work with these unpredictable "sick" days which is a relief to both of us (Thank God for kind understanding people.) My family still knows nothing about all this. Occasionally I get an itch to tell them, but based off of previous experience with our journey so far leading up to this, we decided it was better to just stop talking about it. In some ways I just hope they don't ask because then I won't have to lie-- I am a crappy liar. 

Once I get my + test it will more than likely take me a day or two to blog as our clinic is almost on the other side of the state, so it will be an all-day event for us. We will leave as soon as we can after the IUI in order to get my husband home so he can be back at work the next day. 

CD 8 and 9

Today is my last day of Clomid this cycle and I am so very happy about that! My ovaries could not possibly grow any bigger without rupturing, I'm sure of it. My abdomen hurts--Tender to touch too hard and I can't bend over to even a 90 degree angle because the pressure on my abdomen sends me jumping up in pain. I'm praying that these are big follicles in my ovaries and not a cyst again because although my right side is tender, my left side is the one that really hurts-- which is the one that had the cyst last time. To all you ladies out there with PCOS, I don't know how you stand this on a constant basis, you ladies are tough! Other than waking up today (CD 9) with the pain of my ovaries, I am very nauseated. I'm eating some saltines hoping it will pass. I'm just relieved that I'm done with the Clomid this cycle and in a few days I'll be ovulating and this pain will be gone. 

I called our clinic yesterday and they have all my necessary labs and are expecting us next week. One thing I've always loved about this clinic is how personable the staff are. The nurse who has been working with us sounded so excited for us on the phone yesterday which made me even more excited. My husband seems excited as well, but I think we are both a little nervous. They went over the basics with us so we would know what to expect but our appointments are always so emotional for me I didn't retain much of the information. 

For now I am trying to be positive and I am hopeful that this will work. I may be setting myself up if I get that BFN but I tend to be a high anxiety type person so I am trying not to stress and to just be positive right now. My plan is to take the day after the procedure off work as well if I am scheduled to allow myself a day to just rest. I figure my 2ww will be filled with me being a little overly-cautious with my body but I'm not willing to risk my chances by pushing myself or doing anything to stress myself. Now that I'm thinking about it...that will carry on long past the 2ww if I am blessed enough to get a BFP. If I do, I'll also take back all of my complaining about Clomid and vow to never call it a bastard pill again.

I believe that's it for now... May you all have an amazing Friday! 

CD 7

A welcomed change from CD 6, was CD 7. I felt emotionally stable yesterday, which I cannot say for day 6 you know if you read my previous post. I've also had the most unusual dreams this cycle of Clomid. I don't recall now what they were about but I remember waking up the last 2 nights thinking how bizarre the dream I just had was.  Today has just begun and is CD 8 for me. When I woke up this morning I felt like my ovaries were growing dinosaur eggs (I can't wait to see the size of these follicles on ultrasound.) I noticed at this point it's even a bit hard for me to pee because my abdomen feels so "full" I guess you could say. I'm a little bloated and feel gassy (could have nothing to do with the Clomid, and everything to do with the spaghetti we ate last night), but after today I only have one more little stupid pill this cycle so it's probable that I will live. I am getting so excited for our first IUI and even the thought that I have a small chance at becoming pregnant that I would jump up and down if I didn't think my ovaries would fall over on themselves from all the weight. I only have 4 more days until I start testing for ovulation. My instructions were not to test until day 12 because doing so before then can give you a false positive result.

I watched a vlog on YouTube yesterday that a fellow blogger recommended. It was a girl that also worked in the healthcare field and her husband was being deployed in a few months so after trying for over a year they were going in for their first IUI. She ended up getting pregnant with her first IUI and having an adorable little girl. As I watched her videos I kept praying for that kind of luck and as I watched her reaction with her positive pregnancy test I cried and wondered how my husband and I would react (happy obviously.) I've already been dreaming of ways to announce my pregnancy to family members. Thank you Eve @ The Countess of Clomid for recommending the vlog to me, it was a little glimmer of hope for me getting ready to have our first IUI. 

I will keep you all posted on our IUI in the days and weeks to follow. Prayers and thoughts appreciated and sent right back to the rest of you ladies. Lots of love!

CD 5 and 6...woo freaking hoo.

Yeah, you heard me, woo freaking hoo. I had somehow managed to forget in the last year--since my last clomid cycle-- how much I utterly hate it. HATE IT, I say!!!

Monday was CD 5 for me, meaning day 1 of that damn little pill. About 1:00 or so in the afternoon I felt as if someone had just smacked me in the back of the head with an encyclopedia! I hadn't had a headache like that in a long time. Usually when I get a headache I know it's 1 of 2 things: either 1) I should eat and pee (in a 12-13 hour shift at work sometimes I get so busy I forget about eating and drinking and peeing) or 2) I need coffee. I generally drink 1 cup of coffee in the morning and no more, however when I have a headache sometimes that seems to be the cure. In nursing school I got so used to drinking between 4-6 cups of coffee a day that it took me about a year and a half  just to wean myself back to 1 cup a day. Anyhow, the eating and peeing theory hadn't worked and the coffee didn't even scratch the surface of my headache. It was so bad by the time I got off shift my eyes were watering and I was wondering if I was going to be able to drive home. On the way home my husband called to tell me he had dinner in the oven and asked how my day was. When I told him about my headache his reply was "yeah, don't you remember the last two times you took that pill?" DUH! Here I am the nurse and my husband is pointing out to me my side effects from being on Clomid. Sort of ironic. 

Yesterday was CD 6 and I'm not certain yet that I even want to bring up how awful it was, but I will because you ladies that have been there before will laugh, as all my coworkers did (after the fact and all in good fun of course.) For one, I was quite certain my ovaries were going to rupture yesterday. They hurt! Which scares me a little, but it could also simply mean that it is working and I am just being paranoid after what happened last time. I'd sit down a little hard and that jarring feeling made me jump right back up like something had just bit me. This is where it gets crappy.... At start of shift we had a scheduled C-Section that I went to with another nurse. Baby came out and we did our thing but I noticed the baby was working a little to hard to breathe so we put some blow by oxygen on the baby, took the baby very shortly to see mom so she could kiss her newborn's cheek, assigned apgar scores and took the baby to the nursery with dad to see if it was just a temporary thing that would resolve on it's own. It wasn't so we moved the baby to a bed to put the oxyhood on and such, finished the assessment and called the Doctor. A few minutes passed and the Doctor was finally in the nursery assessing baby and speaking to the dad. All of a sudden tears were rolling down my cheeks that I never even felt coming and I realized I was standing in the middle of the nursery in front of several people crying for no damn reason. Coworkers were looking at me with that "should I ask?" look on their faces (they knew I'd be starting Clomid and had been warned). I gathered myself and carried on. Later in the shift, someone was asking me questions about something and I realized it was as if my brain had suddenly evaporated and came out my ears. Pregnancy brain?.....Anyone else suffered from Clomid brain? I felt confused and forgetful almost all day long, which then upset me more and so on and so forth-- you get the picture. The annoying thing is that I know that it is the Clomid making me feel so crappy, I can recognize it and admit to being ridiculous-- So why, then, do I continue to sob like a small child who just had her lollipop stolen from her hand? To put the icing on the cake, I got home and honestly just wanted to soak in a bath (maybe drown myself too) and go to bed. My husband wanted to be chatty. Amongst all his chattiness he asked when we would be going for our IUI. Very annoyed and bitchy I answered that it would most likely be sometime next week that we would be making the trip to the Dr. after I have a positive ovulation test. Then he had a melt-down. He now has a new boss which he hasn't yet informed of all this, and he was worried about having to call in sick after only about a week of his new boss being there. Being as irritated as I already was with how my day had went and now, after his stupid reply, feeling on the verge of being locked up in a mental institution I decided for both of our safety it would be best if I did not acknowledge his reply and simply nag to myself in the shower and immediately go to bed. 

Today is CD 7. We talked about it this morning and he has decided to let his new boss know what is going on and hope that he will be understanding. I've taken my 3rd pill and am thanking God that I am off for the remaining days of having to take that bastard pill. Hopefully in the safe confines of my home nothing will make me sob uncontrollably today, and if I happen to forget where the vacuum is and how to fold clothes then so be it! :)

CD 1

It is a rare occasion that my cycle is not 28 days exactly but this time I have started a day early. My cramps are in full force, but my emotions pretty stable for once (I'm just so excited to start our first IUI nothing can bring me down right now.) 
I called the clinic yesterday and picked up my Clomid this morning. With our biggest bills going out this week things are starting to look a bit tight in our account but I am keeping my head up and hoping we can squeak by until next pay day. I am anticipating a couple of our next bills to be a bit late --which is hard for me because I'm sort of OCD about our credit and I hate owing money period. At this point if it means having our baby in our arms sooner than later I will deal with the bills after our procedure. Right now I am conserving every single penny I can...

Fingers Crossed for April!

We've finally managed to get enough money scrounged up for our procedure--assuming something doesn't happen leaving us short money prior to next pay day! Fingers are crossed we will be able to do our first IUI in April (and hopefully meanwhile scrounge up the money to do it again in May if it's unsuccessful.) 
I'll be calling our clinic tomorrow (the day before I'm due to start my period again) to report a negative pregnancy test. They should then call in my prescription for Clomid which I will be taking days 5-9, then test starting day 12 of my cycle for ovulation. Once we have a positive test we will have a 24 hour window to make the trip and get the procedure done. Not only for the sake of getting pregnant but for the sake of our jobs as well, I am religiously praying that this doesn't take many IUI's. Neither my husband or I are the type to call-in "sick" even if we really do feel a little poopy. My boss however already sort-of knows what is going on and as I said previously, I have awesome coworkers who have agreed to help me by covering my shifts if needed. My husband on the other hand may have a more difficult time taking off work. He does not get "sick time" per se, like I do. He has an allotted amount of paid time off each year which includes any call-ins. With our appointments he has already taken quite a few days off this year, so hopefully we will get lucky for once and have success with one of the first few IUI's. So here's to having our fingers crossed! I will keep you updated as we go!

Our Screwed Up Social Media

I have a friend that is, well, obsessed with the TV show "16 and Pregnant." She is always talking about these teenage couples and all the drama and how she saw on the front page cover of the magazines that so-and-so from the show is pregnant again. Maybe it's my infertile bitchy subconscious but I think these shows are ridiculous! As if America doesn't already have a big enough problem with teen pregnancy, lets glamorize the issue! How about "18 and graduated?" Sounds like a better topic to me than a bunch of immature party kids that get knocked up in high school. I'm not saying that some teen parents aren't capable of being good parents and maturing when they are expecting but it's not exactly the norm. What the hell is wrong with our social media for glorifying teen pregnancy? Show these kids a video of a woman giving birth and screaming her head off.... babies are not an accessory, they are a responsibility. They are not a puppy!

While I'm on the subject of TV shows, why is there no "reality" show about infertility? There's shows about people with 19 kids and even shows about 80 yr old women in other countries mysteriously getting pregnant, so why not a show about infertility? 

Why is everyone so silent about the issue? It's okay for people to talk about horror movies involving torture or how cool it is to finally be of age to get into a strip club or even how what's-her-name had an abortion for the 5th time,  but nobody dares bring up the aspects of infertility in public. If you want to get some nasty looks just talk about IVF, those horrid transvaginal ultrasounds, or even utter the word "infertility" in more than a whisper. It's estimated that 1 out of every 6 couples suffer from infertility. Why act like it doesn't exist?

Does anyone know of any good movies about infertility? I have seen a couple but most of them almost make a mockery out of the issue and it irritates me. One that I did watch recently and thought was a cute movie was "The Odd Life of Timothy Green." There was also one I had watched a couple of years ago called "Facing The Giants" that I liked a lot. If you haven't already watched them, check them out, and leave any suggestions in comments below. I wish you all a wonderful Saturday!

We've All had Those Moments-

We've all had those moments where you think you are finally finding some emotional stability in your infertility journey--After so many stupid and hurtful comments, so many friends getting pregnant right and left and so many days where you just feel like you are alone in your emotions you start to get somewhat numb to certain things. (Or I've found that I have anyways, I certainly cannot speak for everyone.) We've probably all cried walking past the diaper isle or burst into tears the first second you're alone when a good friend announces her pregnancy. I feel that after so much emotion taking you by surprise so many times you find your own way of coping with it--either avoiding the diaper isle and finding an excuse for your absence at your friend's baby shower (which I have never done for the record), or just learning to expect to cry and deal with it when it happens. I have opted for a happy medium of the two. I'm a pretty emotional person anyway so expecting myself not to have breakdowns just isn't realistic for me. 
I've had those days at work when I look at the precious babies going home to such messed up family lives and my eyes fill with tears that I can't fight back. I always hope that when this happens I am lucky enough to be alone in a corner of the nursery where nobody can see. If I'm not though, I promptly ask the nurse next to me to watch the baby and excuse myself for a trip to the break room to "get some Benadryl for my allergies."-- I'm sure the nurses I work with know exactly what is going on but are kind enough to not make me feel like an idiot.I work with such amazing ladies and I've been lucky enough to find support in them throughout the journey. I know that they are rooting for us and after every appointment are anxious to hear what we found out. To my surprise even those who haven't went through infertility themselves seem to understand my pain and disappointment pretty well--better than most of my friends that aren't in the healthcare field.-- Anyways, I've come up with a way of anticipating and dealing with this situation at work. What I didn't expect was to look at a baby going home to amazing parents (so in love with their new baby and ready to give her the world) and have my eyes well up with tears.....in the room....in front of the parents. How the hell do I get myself out of this one? 
I realized I was crying because I was imagining how it would feel to get that chance. I remembered the look on the dad's face at delivery when he saw his daughter for the first time, and the mom's face in holding her baby for the first time--it all hit me, just like a train. When will it be my turn? What an amazing and emotional journey to share as a couple.... And how happy I was to know that that angel baby was going home with such great parents! I guess you could call it jealousy, but not in the mean I-hate-you-for-getting-what-I've-wanted sort of way, but in the way that my heart yearns so bad for that feeling that they are feeling in these moments right now. It's days like that that I LOVE my job. Yes, even though it makes me look like an idiot for having "happy tears" that catch me off guard, and even though sometimes it feels like I'm throwing myself to the wolves in an emotional sort of way. It's a bit of a love-hate relationship I suppose. I love what I do, but hate what it does to me emotionally sometimes in my infertility journey. 

I'm Back!

Sorry for the absence lately, it's been a hectic and emotional last couple of months, but here I am again! After my last post from my January appointment with the RE the plan was to try for invitro. After a week of  making calls to figure out if we could afford to finance even just one cycle of IVF we came to the realization that it is just not a possibility at this time for us. It was such a hard thing to admit to, because how can I say that I can't afford to have our own baby? Being realistic though, we just can't. Our medical bills just keep piling up for every damn lab we have drawn and every appointment we have and to spend up to $20,000 for IFV when there is no guarantee of it resulting in a pregnancy is just too much at this point.
It couldn't have been any more perfect timing that the RE called us the very next morning to tell us that after his analysis the movement was above average and he felt we could try doing a few IUI's first. So, that's where we are now--saving up for our first IUI. We are hoping to be able to have the money saved up to do our first one by April. I will be back on Clomid, so I am a bit nervous about that after the pain I had from the big cyst it caused last time but I am willing to do anything to increase our chances, even if just by a tiny amount.
We would appreciate thoughts and prayers as we try to save up for the IUI's and go through these cycles. We were told that IUI only has about a 10% chance resulting in pregnancy so it is a bit disheartening to save up hundreds of dollars for only a 10% chance of getting pregnant. On top of the money, it's stressful because they gave us 10 thousand papers with all these instructions and when to call and when to do this and that and I am so overwhelmed!
 I have always been taught that nothing worth having comes easy so here's our start down a confusing and emotional path! 

First Appointment with New RE

We had our appointment a couple of days ago, sorry to keep you waiting but I've been trying to get our house cleaned up for family coming into town. Anyhow, we really liked the Dr. we saw, as well as all his staff. It was such a different experience from any of the other referrals and appointments we had had--it was very productive. Not only did we get our consult and run through our history, the Dr. had labs done on my husband as well as another SA, and he scheduled an appointment for us with a different urologist who he works frequently with that deals primarily with male fertility issues. He did an ultrasound on me and also ordered a whole set of labs to be drawn cycle day 2-3. It was sort of an emotional appointment for me because the reality of our options sank in and I'm PMSing to make matters worse. But...we got some wonderful news--my husband's SA that was done this time showed sperm! The Dr. said it was still not considered "normal", and would be able to tell us better after the analysis finished but he walked to the lab himself and they said they did see approx 1-1.5 million sperm in the sample. That is a huge difference from ZERO, it also means my husband probably won't be needing any surgery!!! However he did say that we would still not be candidates for IUI and that at this point IVF is our only option. I cried as the reality of that sank in because of course I want to jump at it with no question about it but the fact is that we are looking at potentially a $20,000 (depending on meds and other factors) procedure that may or may not end up in me being pregnant. The sweet nurse handed me a brochure for a company that does financing specifically for infertility procedures. At least it's an option to look into. This being said I'm going to get on my soap box for a minute....

Did you know that some states have health insurance (private or employer provided) that cover infertility costs, IVF included? Our state unfortunately is not one of them. Currently in our state, the state-funded or "welfare" insurance pays for over 75% of the pregnant population. This includes prenatal visits, birth costs, any and all pregnancy related trips to the hospital in between, and if they choose-- abortion. Can I just say that I think it is BULLSHIT that my tax money can help fund someone's abortion or pay for someone to have their 15th kid that they don't have custody of anyways but yet I get no help to have the baby I would give anything to have? Isn't this all backwards? 

I've been looking online the last couple of days for programs or grants that help pay for the costs of IVF. They are few and far between from what I can find. I know that I could never, ever put a price on having a baby of our own, but it's a lot to take in and how are we going to come up with that money in a few months? It has to be paid in full before the procedure. We have decided to start down the path of all the necessary labs and requirements to prepare for IVF and I am just praying that we figure out the financial part of it. From here, my husband visits the urologist in a few weeks and then from there it's my understanding that we schedule an appointment with this RE Doctor again. I cannot contain my excitement to know that we are at least finally getting somewhere and I just hope that within the next few months we will be able to do our IVF. I dreamt the last two nights of being pregnant and seeing our baby for the first time. In my dream she had my husband's eyes and nose and she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. I know without a doubt I want this more than anything else in this world. Please friends, pray that the rest of this journey goes well for us and that we will find a way to deal with the financial side of the path we have chosen to take. I am praying that this will be the best year of our lives and that by the end of this year we will get to hold our little miracle in our arms and kiss his or her head for the first time.

Maybe it Would be Easier....Maybe Not.

Occasionally I have these days where I just think we should put this all behind us and just adopt. I could stop stressing about how we would ever be able to afford to pursue IVF, we could stop racking up our debt in Dr's appointments, fertility meds and test after test. We could give some beautiful baby a loving home and maybe this emptiness would go away. I'd have a son or daughter to teach new things and love. 

Then I realize I'm not sure that it would make the emptiness totally go away. I don't think the desire to see our own flesh and blood would ever completely leave my heart and mind. I would love them just the same but I'm not sure I could let go of missing all the experiences of being pregnant and getting to say he or she has my husband's eyes, or my lips. I see my friends kids and it is so neat to see how much they look like one parent or the other, or a complete mixture of both. I can't help but wonder how adorable our babies would be.

Maybe one day I'll know when it's the right time to let go and accept what is, but for now I'm not sure I'm ready. I just hope and pray every day for a miracle.
 

I Just Don't Understand It....

Throughout our TTC journey I've always said there's at least one question I'll ask God one day: Why us when there are so many innocent beautiful babies out there that go to unloving homes where they weren't wanted in the first place. I truly believe babies are miracles so why do these crackheads get to have babies and I don't? It's always so refreshing to see happy families that are overjoyed about their new little miracle and know they are going to a loving home, however around here it seems that is actually kind-of the minority. There's a lot of drugs in our town and our teen pregnancy rate sadly probably makes up 80% of our pregnant population.

It's been a rough couple of days at work. We've had our own little baby boom lately and only 3 families are really normal, loving couples who are prepared and excited about their baby--the rest are a little "off" to put it nicely. One baby has only spent 2 1/2 hours since birth (2 days ago) in the mom's room, the rest of the 48 hours have been spent in the nursery because she is too busy on the phone fighting with her baby daddy and taking advantage of the pain meds to spend time with her new baby. In a delivery yesterday for one of our teen mom's, the baby daddy finally struts in right at time to push filling the whole labor room with enough weed smell to get high just from being around him. Later a coworker found the baby left in the crib alone in the room while the teen mom and dad went outside to smoke. A 14 year old pregnant and alone who won't say who the father is but later asks staff to make sure her father and brother don't get anywhere near her--makes you wonder if the pregnancy wasn't a result of some abuse by a family member. Another delivered her 6th baby yet she doesn't have custody of any of the other 5. It scares me to look at these precious babies and question their futures. It's so backwards and unfair that they get this privilege that they view as a burden and I am racking my debt up month by month to try to get what any other idiot gets to have! 

Play list

As promised yesterday, here is a list of the songs I have on my play list that are guaranteed to make me cry.....sometimes you just have to let the tears fall to feel better. Please post your songs under comments, I'd love to download some more. Seems that there are very few songs (like 3-4) actually written referring to infertility but the other songs are about some form of grieving. Here it is:

1."Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks- As I said in my post yesterday, this song hits the nail right on the head for me about those certain people who never have anything nice to say even though they know it's a sensitive issue.
2. "I Would Die for That" by Kellie Coffey- This song is a sure-fire way to make me cry, every time, even though I've heard it 7048237639704098047198752987 times. This is a must have on any infertile's play list. Even if you aren't infertile and are for some odd reason looking at my blog, listen to this song, it will give you a little more insight on what the hell we go through.
3. "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble- the part where it says "I might have to wait, I'll never give up, I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck, wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life...."
4. "God Gave Me You" by Blake Shelton- this is more about how I feel about my husband and my someday-child. My husband has been a God send through all of this, he is so selfless and willing to do anything to get this child, and his support --even just holding me without words while I cry on his lap on my bad days.
5. "So Hard" by the Dixie Chicks- A bit of a weird song in some ways but there is a part in the song that speaks directly about infertility and how it feels like it should be the one thing a woman can do.
6. "Come Tomorrow" by Juliet Lloyd- Just listen to it....
7. "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans- the first part about just managing to get up and get dressed and how you get a little bit better about putting on your "I'm ok" face each day.
8. "The Climb" by Miley Cirus- obviously about a struggle to attain a dream.
9. "Every Storm (Runs Out of Rain)" by Gary Allan- a reminder that the pain has to end at some point.....right?....please?
10. "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns- I've always liked this group, their voices are calming to me. It's a beautiful song about a struggle and not understanding why you feel that God is letting you go through this alone but trusting that he has a plan.
11. "Does Anybody Hear Her" by Casting Crowns- Just because sometimes I feel so damn forgotten and alone.
12. "Stand" by Rascal Flatts- about finding your strength in tough times. 




** On a side note: Does anyone know how to center the blog title? I must have a little OCD in me because I can't stand it anymore, it is driving me crazy! Help would be appreciated, thanks!

 

Monthly Visit

Well I woke up to my monthly gift today--only to me it's a burden not a gift. I don't know why it still hurts so bad, we know that we can't conceive naturally. Maybe it's because it's a monthly reminder of that fact. My periods have always been hard for me to handle anyways, I have excruciating cramps and back aches, nausea, and mood swings bad enough to give someone whiplash (usually it's the crying for no apparent reason.....usually I'm not even quite sure why I'm sobbing uncontrollably.) But on top of all this pain and sobbing, I have to deal with the emotions I have about our infertility, treatments, etc which are inescapable for about 6 days. Last month I had a little breakdown and stayed in bed crying all day reading quotes about infertility.

I don't think my husband is completely sure how to handle all this sometimes, but he's gotten a lot better about understanding me and comforting me than he was when this journey first began. He's the typical guy that has the thinking that if you don't talk about it then it will go away. But it won't, and he's realized that and has gotten so much better about comforting me. When we first started all of this, I didn't understand how on earth he didn't seem to be heartbroken. Like I'm sure many wives have done, I started to question if in-fact he truly wanted kids the way I do. I felt like I was going through it alone emotionally because I would bring it up and he would try to escape the conversation. It was about a year ago when I finally realized that he did care as much as me and was hurting like me, he just keeps it bottled up being the private sort of man he is. It changed a lot for me to finally for once have him talk about it with watery eyes and know I wasn't going through this alone. I think men in general just have such a different way of showing their emotions.  Maybe my husband finds some comfort in trying not to think or talk about it--it makes sense to push away those things that bring you pain. Trying to ignore it never worked for me though, I am comforted by words & my husband's touch, and knowing that I'm not alone. I think it's important to know how you find comfort, and how your partner finds comfort as well so that you can support and comfort each other the best you can. For anybody else that takes some comfort in words-- I've found some quotes that spoke to me (Thank you Pinterest). I hope that they will also bring you some amount of comfort as well. 







       
 

And a few funny ones because we all have those pregnant people we just can't stand some days...
 




Wishing everyone the best Saturday you could have!

Book Suggestions?

I love to read so I have downloaded a book to my kindle called "Empty Womb, Aching Heart." Has anyone read it? I haven't had a chance to start reading yet since my short days off are always filled with catching up on the things I don't do on the days I work. I haven't ever heard anything about this book, or any infertility book period for that matter. For those of you out there that have suffered the heartbreak of a miscarriage, I did have someone who had a miscarriage tell me that the book "Heaven is for Real" is a wonderful book....haven't read it personally though. Any suggestions from readers about infertility books? Please post comments with any suggestions...I would love suggestions.

On a side note....I ran across a blogger's post this morning which was SUCH a blessing to me. I have been struggling with a family member's pregnancy and birth of her child for about a year now which has caused me much grief, pain and anxiety (I have not shared the story yet...maybe some day I will.) I feel so relieved to know that I am not the only one who has endured this circumstance and the heart ache that comes with it. With everything that has happened it has made it painfully awkward to be around this family member. Let me just say I don't like having this much anger and hatred built up toward one person but at the same time I don't know how to deal with it. If I spoke openly about my feelings I fear that it would just make everything worse and that nobody would understand where I am coming from. I have thought about this every day for a year now and have no answer in my head to a solution for it all, so I just keep quiet and try to avoid her.

Song- "I Would Die For That" by Kellie Coffey

This is the song I tried to put up in my last post which apparently didn't work. This is such a beautiful song, and I cry every single time I hear it. I see so many people that are given the gift of a precious child that arguably don't deserve the privilege--they see it as a burden, not a miracle. Why not me? I had a friend ask me once (with only the best intentions) If I couldn't get pregnant, would I be willing to let someone else carry my baby. This was before we knew my husband was azoospermic. It's a fair question, but for some reason I found it very offensive. If I can't do it--if I'm going to miss out on the gift of carrying my child and experiencing all that anyways I would probably just adopt, quite honestly. Of course I want children of my own flesh and blood, and my husband's, but I'm not sure I could bear the sight and thought of someone else carrying my child. Selfish and stupid? Maybe, but that's how I feel. I want to bring my own dream to life.....I want to feel my child move inside me. I want to experience the one thing unique to being a woman--morning sickness, swollen ankles & all!